Online Dating Services

Let’s get started by considering the different types of online dating services. Anyone who tries a single service and then decides that online dating is not for them is unaware of the vast differences that exist from on service to the next.

There are several different types of online dating services to consider. The following are not a comprehensive list but rather a general grouping of different service types to simplify the discussion: open; matched; and secondary purpose sites. I’ve coined these group names myself to make the discussion easier. By no means are these standard names. I use them to simplify the discussion.

Open Online Dating Services
Example: Match.com
An “open” online dating service refers to a service where you are not limited in who you can view or contact. You provide basic information about who you are looking for, such as location and age, and you are provided with a list of everyone who meets your criteria. All lines of communication are left for the daters to establish. There are no rules on who you can contact or rules that say you must wink before you email (and no rules that say you can’t do exactly that). These services will provide you with a dozen or so boxes that you can choose to fill out or ignore. You can have a very long profile or a very short one and there are no limits on how few or how many people you can contact. This type of service can be over-whelming to someone new to online dating because of how open-ended everything is. That said, once the initial confusion is overcome, these services are very good for the active dater. This service type is a great choice for someone who enjoys going on frequent first dates or who can comfortably communicate with several people at once. There are also “open” online dating sites which narrow down the participants by group or interest. For example, there are “open” sites for everything from senior citizens to those looking to cheat on their spouse (not the type of site you want to visit if you are serious about finding a relationship).

In the case of the “open” online dating service, I think the greatest benefit is the number of people available to contact. However, this benefit is at times a detriment: the person you decided to contact may have received a dozen emails aside from yours.

Pros:
Very large number of potential dates to choose from
Communication can move along quickly
Cons:
Little structure; sometimes confusing for new users
The amount of competition can cause your profile to “get lost in the crowd”

Matched Online Dating Services
Example: eHarmony.com
A “matched” online dating service pre-selects what they determine are your best matches and only show you those profiles. This type of service normally has a strong/rigid structure. For example, when you sign up at eHarmony, you will first have to take a personality test. After this is complete, you will receive your “matches” and be encouraged to contact at least one of them. Once the communcation has started, you will walk through a specific set of steps such as asking each other pre-selected questions and then emailing each other through the service. Eventually, you can move to communication outside of the service itself. This service is great for someone new to online dating. There is very little to be confused about because everything is broken down into steps that everyone must follow. The draw-back to this service is that there are two requirements to even get a match: this person must live within a range you specify and they must be a good match for your profile. For a moment assume that eHarmony gets the profile matching 100% correct: that still leaves the issue of available matches in your area. Due to this, a “matched” online service is likely to have more success in a more populated area and less success in smaller areas. This was a problem I ran into when I lived out in a rural area: it took 3 days after signing up to get a single match. However, I have talked to people who live in major cities and they have more matches than they know what to do with.

Aside from a low number of matches, the only other issue I had was how very slowly some of the people I communicated with wanted to take things (i.e., meeting). Admittedly, I was the polar-opposite of aggressive at the time but the women I talked to were practically petrified to meet me! I would like to believe this wasn’t an issue with me but rather a representation of the people signing up at a “matched” dating site: people who are brand-new to online dating.

Pros:
Very structured
Matching based on personality
Cons:
Population can affect success or usefulness
Communication can drag out at times

Secondary Purpose Sites
Yahoo! Personals, MySpace
A secondary purpose site is a site that is not devoted to dating. Rather, it offers many services one of which will be dating. I have found these services the most difficult to use because most of the participants only have a passing interest in starting a relationship. For example, Yahoo! Personals was the first dating service I ever tried. What I discovered after about a month was that very few people were actively dating through this service. The profiles were always the same and profiles never disappear (so even if there was a lot of dating, there wasn’t much success). It appeared that many of the profiles existed simply because those people already had Yahoo! email accounts. I imagine a common case for this is that someone sees a link for Yahoo! Personals with the message that they can open one for free with their existing Yahoo! account. They go through with this, look around a bit and even uploaded their pictures but eventually get bored and stopped going back. This is where the strength of Match.com or eHarmony shows: everyone that goes to one of these sites went there for a specific reason. Comparing secondary purpose sites to true dating sites is like comparing speed dating with going to the grocery store. Sure, there are people who are single and would like to be dating at the grocery store, but that’s not the reason why they are there. The speed date has people there for one specific purpose. I cannot recommend paying for a secondary purpose site as long as pure dating sites exist. I am sure Yahoo! Personals has worked for many, many, many people but there are too many “grocery shoppers” diluting the site’s usefulness for me to recommend it. Other secondary dating sites, such as MySpace, are even worse and make Yahoo! Personals look like a dating gold mine.

Final Service Thoughts
There is no best service out there. Each service offers different options that make for an excellent choice for some and a poor choice for others. Early on, when I felt like every descision I made was “wrong”, eHarmony was a great site for me. I became more comfortable with the idea of talking to people I didn’t know within their very structured system. The lack of matches I had due to living in a low population area is really the only thing that led me to try other services. I eventually settled on Match.com, mostly because it seemed to have the most members.

Think about what you are looking for and how you would be most comfortable finding your dates. If you want full control or are unconcerned about structure, an “open” service will fit you well. If you are new to online dating and want structure or perhaps you want to date people your personality test suggests you are compatible with, then a “matched” service will be better. If you are brand new to this and if your pocketbook can handle it, I recommend trying several different services. Often what people think they want and what they truly desire are not the same. No amount of writing here will offer as much as personally trying out a few weeks of different services.