How to deal with nerves on a first date
Published on April 26, 2018
You’ve been talking with a match online and the time has come: it’s time for the first date. Being prepared can help tremendously with the first date jitters. You can read Brad’s guide to online dating to help with some develop first date questions if you get stuck and don’t know what to say. However, it’s also good to think about your own approach as a list of questions is a start, but not necessarily the end of the planning.
It’s not easy meeting a stranger for the first time and sometimes nerves can get the best of you. This is particularly true with the early first dates. What I mean is when you’re still somewhat new to online dating or having had a date in a while: the first time you get back out there can be stressful. So how do you deal with it? I can only speak for myself and some of the things that have worked for me, but let me share some thoughts:
A First Date Doesn’t Need Fight or Flight
Remember this is not a life or death situations this is a coffee with someone hopefully that you are interested in. Your body might try to convince you it’s life or death, with a racing heart or sweaty palms, but it’s not. Try to remind yourself that they agreed to meet you so you already have that going for you. Odds are that they are interested in you…or at least interested in finding out if they are interested in you. So keeping this in mind and half the battle is won. They like you-you like them (or we each hope that will be the case). Now it’s just the time to see if you click.
Now you might find it hard to convince your body/mind that this first date is a safe and good thing. If so, try taking some slow, deep breaths. It’s okay to be stressed, but it’s best if you can avoid allowing the stress to create a bad first impression. Sometimes a “bad” first impression is just you not really being yourself so try to fight through it so the other person really gets to meet the real you.
Nerves Go Both Ways
Everyone get’s nervous and if someone says they don’t get nervous on first dates, chances are that they are lying. So, I say just go with it. Consider the idea of telling the other person that you’re feeling nervous. Chances are they are too or they will respond with empathy and understanding and tell you that there is no reason to be. This actually can serve as something of an icebreaker: it helps you be real and allows for some interesting conversations. And you don’t even have to frame it as being new to dating (even if that’s the case). You could comment about how you hear some many stories about bad first dates so you always get a bit nervous. This could then open the door to talk about bad first date stories you each have heard, which can be fun and a good way to get settled in.
Once that ice is broken it’s pretty much game on and the conversations can come more naturally. But let’s just say for the argument you have high anxiety and you’re still nervous even after your date has assured you there is nothing to worry about. What can you do? One way to calm yourself is to reset your focus. If your listening to negative thoughts in your head then it’s almost impossible to listen to what your date has to say. Focus in on what they are saying. Being a good listener also helps us to be great conversationalists so you get a two for one: change what you’re concentrating on while investing in what your date has to say. When you focus on them, it takes you out of your own head and allows you to respond without overthinking. I know that I can be my own worst enemy, and these techniques have worked for me.
Create the Right Environment
I’ll go on to say that you might want to have a backup plan for in case that things don’t go the right direction…or even worse than that! When you’re planning the first date, keep things light, there’s no need for a major outing on a first date. I also feel like the “keep things simple” approach for first dates helps with the nerves too. You’re not going to some huge event or something you need to blow up in your mind as a huge deal. Instead, it can just be grabbing coffee or ice cream and leave it at that.
One other benefit of keeping it simple is you can also start off by keeping it short. With this approach, if you find you’re not connecting well with your date then you can have relief in the fact that you intentionally kept the first date short. In his guide, Brad talks about how he would intentionally tell women he was meeting he could only do a quick meet up for 30 minutes. This way, if the date wasn’t going well, everyone was ready to move on anyway and he didn’t have to come up with an awkward excuse for leaving. On the flip side, if you only schedule 30 minutes but you’re having a great time, you still have an opportunity to ask if they have time to extend the date.
Other Tips and Thoughts for the First Date
- Before you go to the coffee shop or wherever you’re meeting, take a few deep breaths. This could be in your car or as you’re walking to the destination. Try and focus on the now. When you get there and meet them, just be with that person and what’s happening right in front of you. Don’t try and be a fortune teller and look into the future. Don’t turn into your own worst critic and mentally kick yourself for everything you say. Listen to your gut if you get a strange vibe. Maybe take action by having a girlfriend call you. If your gut says that things are good then follow that. I can’t stress enough that you need to not let your thoughts carry you away. Meaning, don’t be in your head too much. Try and stay focused on the task at hand.
- Go with the flow there’s not always going to be ongoing conversation a few gaps here and there are natural.
- I have heard it a million times and have also said it myself “just be yourself.” This is a bit cliche but I think another way of saying it is “be honest”. I know it feels tough to really be honest…but people appreciate honesty. If you try to hard you come off as fake and if you lie well then it goes without saying that you will eventually get caught. Even if you don’t get caught outright, many people are going to pick up on that things aren’t quite right. When you’re willing, to be honest about who you are and what you enjoy, that will often create a fresh and unique experience for the person you’re with and you’ll sound much more interesting than just spouting off the same things everyone else is saying (because they think they have to) Like the saying goes honesty is the best policy.
- I know for me sometimes I can use the nervousness to my advantage. I let myself talk it out. Run at the mouth so to speak. I use the nervous energy to speak it all out. It has had a positive effect for me to say how I’m feeling and whats going on in my head. However, this isn’t necessarily great for everyone! Some of us have things running through our heads that maybe shouldn’t be shooting out without thought. So your results may vary here. I’m not saying spout off like a loon here. I’m saying use the nervous energy to drive you to talk.
- To reemphasize a point I made earlier, I’ll share a recent experience. I was on a first date not too long ago. I was nervous and I realized I was nervous because I wanted to see this woman beyond the first date. So, I mustered up my courage and I told her how I was feeling and what I was hoping. Her response was that she felt the same way. My point is if you say whats on your mind then you will find out the answers to the questions playing in your mind. Things don’t always go perfectly but it still feels like the best approach to me. My experience has been that communication is the key to it all. Without communication, nothing can move forward.
Sometimes You May Not Be Ready
One surefire way to kill a date is to let yourself get so nervous that you don’t talk and become awkward. Stay out of your head and stay in the game and being in the moment is the key. But some people just aren’t able to do it…or they convince themselves they can’t. To be totally honest, if you get to this point of not being able to speak and communicate with your date, then I would say that you may want to consider if you are really ready to date.
Knowing yourself and your limits is always a plus. If you don’t think you’re ready for a first date then don’t rush into anything. Take things slow. Let the other person know that you prefer to take things at a slow pace and would like to know more about them before you meet. I know for guys this is hard because from my experience some women express that they don’t want to be pen pals for a long period of time. If he or she is not willing to wait to meet you then are there other things you can do to make yourself more comfortable? Maybe a walk in a park would be better than sitting face to face. I know some people like that more. Or maybe keeping the date short would help or even memorizing a few questions you want to start out with.
So, maybe you’re feeling your not ready for a first date, but you want to be. You can do a few things to get yourself prepared and one that I recommend is Brad’s free guide to online dating. It is filled with great ideas to help us along the way. He goes step by step and even gives you questions and scenarios you can use and learn from. There are no guarantees in online dating, and what may work for one person may not work for another, but there are some simple guides that everyone can relate to and use to their advantage.
Final Thoughts
All in all meeting someone for the first time can be nerve-racking. It’s how you deal with the nerves that matter. As always you can Google how to deal with first date nervousness, and there are plenty of articles out there to help (just like this one!). I can only speak to what has helped me and what methods I used. I hope that you found this article somewhat helpful and that you know have some tools to help you on your next first date. If you have any helpful hints please feel free to leave them in the comment section. Thank you for taking the time to read, and good luck in your search for love.
Author: mike
Mike is returning to online dating after being away from dating for many years. While not an "expert", Mike brings a real view of the challenges of online dating and his opinions in dealing with those challenges.
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