Dealing With Template Messages
Published on March 5, 2016
As it turns out, it is not an uncommon experience to receive template messages while online dating. These are the messages that speak generally, lack any attempt to connect over something personal written in your profile, and they give the sense that the message is being copy-pasted to many other singles. Sometimes, these template messages can even be copied from another website! This is a highly impersonal approach to online dating and it can feel very robotic. This is certainly not the most effective strategy to hook someone’s attention and interest.
A reader recently asked us why people use these template messages. We felt this was a great topic to explore and to draw out some good advice for approaching this situation. As our reader pointed out, these template messages do not come off as either impressive nor enticing. They fail to create a personal connection that is crucial to inspire an attractive and flowing conversation.
It would be very easy to judge the person sending the template message and it is all too easy to take it as a personal offence. It we look into the matter a little deeper, I feel we can avoid this negative reaction and use this situation to our own advantage.
Why do people bother with templates?
Arriving at any singular answer to this question would be pure speculation. By identifying a few of the possibilities, it becomes easier to acknowledge we never know someone’s story and it is best not to speculate what motivates them to use a template.
- The individual may be timid. Sending the first message feels like a vulnerable action for some people because they could be rejected. If they are rejected for a robotic, copy-paste message, than the sting is a little less. In other words, it feels safer than putting their heart into a message that might end up being rejected.
- The individual may not feel confident in their ability to court and attract a complete stranger, so they research online ways to write an effective message. Rather than using online advice to craft their own message, they flat out copy and paste one that already appears good enough.
- They may be contacting as many people as possible to increase their chances of meeting the right person and they want to save time.
- Maybe they thought your online dating picture was attractive, didn’t bother to read your profile, but still wanted to contact you. This is definitely a case of laziness.
As you can see, there are motivations that inspire compassion and others that are flat out unappealing. The point is, we never know what the case may be. If we approach the situation from this neutral perspective without getting locked into any projected story and taking it personally, we can then choose how to act in a way that benefits us the most.
How to make this situation work for you
Should you respond or not respond to a template message? As usual, there is no right or wrong choice, but when approaching this situation was a neutral perspective as mentioned above, the decision becomes a lot less charged. If you are so deterred from an impersonal message that you can’t be bothered to write back, then you are allowed to do so. This benefits you because any tension around the situation is avoided and you do not go into a conversation that you do not feel good about from the onset. The result is you continue on your merry way without any obstructions.
Considering the motivation for using a template might come from a place of shyness or inexperience, we do recommend that you check out their profile. You never know, this person might actually end up being a very desirable date. As Brad puts it, a bad message does not always mean a bad match! Something drew them to message you, even if the message was general. Maybe you can pick up on that same attraction if you read their profile, after which you can respond with something that inspires more personal connection.
A personal confession
While writing this article, I am almost laughing to myself because I am someone who uses template messages. Hear me out though, and you might come to understand why this can actually be a very effective approach.
I had been in the dating game for a while and found that it took an enormous amount of energy and time of conversing with individuals before finally getting to that necessary topic: what we are looking for and identifying whether or not we align. To save time, I decided to try an honest and direct approach to online dating, which involved stating very clearly what I wanted. People often responded very well to this. I also discovered that a basic introduction of myself was necessary in an email, even if only a writing a short sentence that says, “oh, by the way, I’m Stephanie†to finish off the message. These two components made up my template message.
Considering I understood the significance of a personal touch, I was sure to always always include a personal touch by expressing something personal from the other person’s profile as well as something to keep the conversation going (a question, usually). This personal touch separated my own template from the purely impersonal messages that make up other templates. I share this confession because it may offer some perspective that the people behind these messages are real individuals and sometimes they have thought out reasons for using templates. This leads me to say:
Templates are not all bad
Sometimes they serve both parties because they bring clarity, honesty, or some form of efficiency. If you think about it, online dating entails reaching out to many individuals to discover who vibes well with your interests, qualities, and relationship desires. This means there are a lot of first messages being sent out, all of which include some of the same information: this is me, this is what I’m looking for, this is what I like about you. A template may not be the most romantic or attractive strategy, but if it is constructed from a wholesome base, it is very useful.
It is also true that some templates are poorly written and they do not add anything to the conversation. These ones only leave one feeling distanced. Which is true for your situation? Identify how the message makes you feel and use that information to decide whether or not you will put an effort into connecting with this person. You do not have to prioritize someone who didn’t put in an effort to be personal, but try not to reject someone simply because they used a template e-mail. You never know the person’s story and who knows, maybe they are the one you are waiting for!
Author: Stephanie
Stephanie Arnold is a writer, visual artist and composer who seeks to unveil the working structures of the human psyche. She works to share valuable insights that stem from personal experience and assist in the development of deeper levels of self-awareness, especially in regards to a sincere and healthy relationship to love and loving. The core of her philosophy is that self-love is the root of loving outwardly, and is therefore necessary to develop if one wishes to create fruitful relationships with others. Her evolving portfolio may be found at www.lovefromwithin.org.
Posted in:
New to Online Dating?
