Online Etiquette & Turning Someone Down
Published on October 15, 2015
As the Internet becomes a more integrated part of the dating process, we see the emergence of new social protocols. This is the evolution of dating etiquette; what is deemed as acceptable behaviour is shifting to reflect the digital medium of communication while certain core courtesies remain the same.
Navigating courtship can be challenging enough without introducing more unwritten social laws for the digital sphere. Thankfully, enough time has passed since the beginning of online dating so that proper etiquette has become more clear. We may turn to articles, lists, each other, and even our own intuition for guidance when we doubt the appropriate next step of our courtships.
One common situation people find themselves in while online dating is when they receive a message from an individual they would prefer not to engage with. If you are having difficulty moving through this situation with tact and grace, simply turn to the list below for some guidance. You will find that there is always a simple solution to declining a connection. Discover which solution suits your context.
1. Do Not Respond
When we compare a first message to someone approaching us in person, it is clear that silence would be a rude response. However, this is not an uncommon way to handle an undesired message received through online dating given the appropriate circumstances.
If you receive a message that feels impersonal, such as the standard, “hey, how are you?†then it is acceptable to withhold a response. When we feel that no true effort was put into contacting us, we are not required to put in the effort to respond.
Similarly, you do not need to respond if you feel highly uncomfortable. This discomfort may result through demeaning language, inappropriate topics, or asking highly personal questions in the initial message. It may also arise from a bad feeling you get from their profile.
However, it is important to distinguish between the discomfort of having to reject someone and the discomfort that comes with a clear overstepping of common boundaries or red flags in a profile. If you feel uneasy because you do not enjoy rejecting someone (and let’s face it, this is never an enjoyable thing to do), then a response may be the most polite course of action. This will require an inner honesty and for you to decide for yourself if you want to take this as an opportunity to push yourself towards moving through these uncomfortable situations with compassion and confidence.
2. Offer A Short and Gentle Explanation
If someone has clearly spent time reading over your profile and has put an effort into composing a personalized message, they deserve some form of response. Mind you, you are not obligated to thoroughly explain yourself. There are many reasons for why you may not be interested, such as not feeling attracted to their photographs, uninterested in their personal description, living too far apart, holding contrasting political or religious beliefs, or looking for different types of relationships. The list goes on.
The best way to respond would be to thank them for reaching out, and offering a kind explanation.
If you are not attracted to their photo and this is enough of a reason to support your disinterest, it would obviously be unkind to say so. A gentle white lie in this case is advised. Remember, if someone is reaching out to you, then they are knowingly putting themselves into a vulnerable position. After they hit ‘send,’ they are handing you the power to either accept or reject them. People also invest themselves to varying degrees, so as in any situation, the best response is a kind one.
In the end, it is up to you to decide whether or not to respond. You are not obligated either way, but in cases whereby someone has obviously invested their time to write to you, the polite and mature way to decline the connection is through a brief, clear, and kind response.
Turning someone down and being turned down is a part of the dating game. We are not responsible for sparing anyone else of this reality, especially at the expense of our own truths. However, by playing the dating game we are also responsible for exercising compassion and being communicative with those we are not interested in but who flatter us with their interest.
Author: Stephanie
Stephanie Arnold is a writer, visual artist and composer who seeks to unveil the working structures of the human psyche. She works to share valuable insights that stem from personal experience and assist in the development of deeper levels of self-awareness, especially in regards to a sincere and healthy relationship to love and loving. The core of her philosophy is that self-love is the root of loving outwardly, and is therefore necessary to develop if one wishes to create fruitful relationships with others. Her evolving portfolio may be found at www.lovefromwithin.org.
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