Tips on Initiating Contact
Published on September 19, 2015
After finding an enticing individual amongst a wealth of profiles, people respond to this discovery in a vast number of ways. For some, it is easy to become overly intimidated such that remaining anonymous becomes more alluring than saying hello. There are also those old paradigms wherein males are expected to be the pursuers, leaving some women hovering in that pre-contact stage, quietly hoping the other person will eventually notice them and say hello.
Sure, you could wait around for someone to message you, but if you want to dramatically improve the success of your online dating experience, you will have to take personal responsibility over initiating contact with other singles. This means going beyond passive expressions of interest such as favouriting a page or sending a wink. These actions allow the other person to know you are interested in them, but these cautious approaches do not often yield a written response. Imagine it from their perspective: to receive a passive communication feels impersonal, creating the impression that you did not care enough to give the time and energy to write something with a little more depth or that you lack the confidence to break the ice. Remember that confidence is attractive! Even if you feel nervous and vulnerable in face of possible rejection, it is best to act confident anyway. The surest way to entice someone to respond to your proposed connection is to write a personal message. The following tips will help you structure your message so that you come off as confident, interested, and worth knowing, which is more likely to result in the other person feeling engaged, connected, and attracted.
What to include in a first message:
1. Whether you are meeting someone online or offline, it is basic courtesy to introduce yourself by name. How you do this will be a reflection of your personal flair but remember that there are techniques to soften the delivery so you don’t come off too formal. For simplicity, you can just sign your name at the end of your message. You can also try introducing your name at the end of your message rather than the beginning, and how about adding a friendly smile for style points? “By the way, I’m Mary. :)â€
2. Mention what it was that attracted you to their profile. Maybe it was their writing style, your shared interests and life goals, or even your compatible astrological signs. Whatever it was, let the other person know. Not only will this show you have read their profile but it highlights your personal connection with one another, and relationships are all about connection!
3. Provide your interest with an easy entry point to your conversation by asking a question. Try to keep the subject light but more personal than, “how are you?†Ask something specific to them that is based on some information they provided on their profile. Did they say they like travelling? Ask about their dream trip. Do you both love comedies? Ask them to recommend one to you. This shows you are interested in getting to know them and the conversation may be driven forwards.
4. Use correct spelling and grammar. Create an impression of maturity (another word for attractive!) and put aside text speak, which includes words like rly, luv, sup, etc. There is no place for this sloppiness in your online dating correspondences.
5. Keep it short and sweet. There is no need to overwhelm the other person. This first message is all about making friendly contact and providing the space for the other person to respond. They will automatically check out your profile for more information about you so there is no need to divulge all your information at once. Besides, receiving a novel from someone you do not yet know can be pretty overwhelming, potentially transforming that first response into a chore.
What to avoid in a first message:
1. Do not mention their appearance. This strategy to form connection can actually create distance because it places an overt emphasis on their appearance as a reason for contacting them. This may be an undeniable reality when it comes to choosing a partner, but it is best to play it cool and leave these compliments for later. It means a lot more to receive a compliment like this from someone we are fond of than it does to receive it from a stranger whose intentions remain unclear.
2. The first message is like a handshake, a casual encounter for two people to feel one another out. Do not use it as an opportunity to suggest meeting in person. This often results in rejection or a lack of response. Timing is everything.
3. Do not write again if your message receives no response. When you reach out and are returned with silence, use this as an opportunity to solidify your ability to not take things personally and to accept what you cannot control. You never know why someone chooses not to respond: perhaps they have already found a date, maybe they do not sense a compatibility between you, they could be short on time or simply have not seen your message. The point is, do not make assumptions and do not pressure them for a response. This shouts needy, impatient, and insecure. Accept silence with grace and move on.
In the end, the most important thing is that you compose and send a message that you personally feel good about. Furthermore, online dating offers the potentiality of connecting with an abundance of singles, which means if you do not resonate with one person, your chances of meeting someone you like remain high. You never know how the next person might respond! Take this opportunity to write to several people at once. Not only do you have nothing to lose, but you will be taking a big step towards bringing a partner into your life.
Author: Stephanie
Stephanie Arnold is a writer, visual artist and composer who seeks to unveil the working structures of the human psyche. She works to share valuable insights that stem from personal experience and assist in the development of deeper levels of self-awareness, especially in regards to a sincere and healthy relationship to love and loving. The core of her philosophy is that self-love is the root of loving outwardly, and is therefore necessary to develop if one wishes to create fruitful relationships with others. Her evolving portfolio may be found at www.lovefromwithin.org.
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