The Right Way to Ask What Went Wrong
Published on January 6, 2015
In my last article, I wrote about a pattern I see in giving dating advice: one where a person assumes everyone they meet is doing something wrong where in reality they are the one creating the situation.
In that article, I ended by recommending that we all look to ourselves and ask if anything we’re doing could be driving people away. One problem I’ll admit exists in this advice is that being self-aware and recognizing what we’re doing wrong is hard to do! Personally, when I was dating online, I started by sending super long emails to women. At the time, I felt like I was doing a pretty good job. Now I look back and I feel embarrassed to have been that guy. But in the moment, I just couldn’t see it.
So what do we do then? If you recongize that there is some place in your online dating life where you continuously fail, how do you address the problem if you don’t even know what it is? I want to give two suggestions on how to approach this, although neither is easy and one is a relationship killer.
Get Some Advice from an Outsider
This isn’t easy to do, but the first step in trying to determine if you’re doing something poorly in online dating is to bring in someone close to you to have them review your approach (or you can contact someone like me, but honestly I think there’s more value in having someone who personally knows you).
Identify where you think things are going wrong and go through it with your friend or family member. Try to be as detailed as you can be: How did the date start out? What questions did you ask? How did your date respond? Was there a point where they seemed to become uncomfortable? Or if you’re not getting responses to the emails you are sending out, print them out and have someone look at them.
Finally, try to pick someone honest. If your mom thinks you’re the greatest person to ever walk the earth and that you can do no wrong, she’s probably not the right person to ask (not that I think many of us start with our moms in this area!).
If You’re Really Brave
There is another option if you’re brave and don’t mind getting a bruised ego. This option is to ask the last person you met or contacted what went wrong.
Keep in mind that this is what I would consider the nuclear option: once you walk down this road with someone, there’s no going back. It’s almost guaranteed to be awkward, but you can also get some of the best feedback from this approach. However, I wouldn’t recommend this for the following situations:
- Don’t do this if you’re trying to determine what went wrong with a first email. Then you’re just pestering someone.
- Don’t do this if you’re still hoping to date them. Do not see this as a way to reach out and restart things because it won’t work that way.
- If you can’t handle negative feedback, don’t go to a stranger. You’re more likely to write a nasty email in response to honest advice. If this is you, stick with a friend giving you advice!
There’s also a right way and a wrong way to do this. The wrong way would be to contact them with an angry or emotional email/text/phone call. Don’t be emotional. Don’t say things like “I’m not sure how I screwed up so bad”. This is going to be awkward enough without a pity party and if you’re going to take the time to do this, you want a response. Here’s what I would recommend:
I think when you read this, you’ll see why I consider this the nuclear option: if you’re successful, you’re probably going to get some advice that hurts. And if you’re not successful, you’re probably going to have someone thinking that you’re really weird.
However, I’d rather have one person who I’ll never see again think that I’m weird than to allow myself to keep making the same mistake.
When the Light Bulb Goes Off
There really is value in this, assuming you’re open-minded and that you want to improve who you are or your approach. Some people contact me instead of doing the above and I’d say about 25% of the time when we get down to the root of the problem, the person is shocked at themselves but also very thankful. I’ve even seen people turn around situations and get a second date just because they understood what they were doing wrong.
What about the other 75% of the time? Well, honestly, most people don’t want to change who they are. Most people would rather think that everyone they meet is doing something wrong than change something about themselves.
I hope that doesn’t describe you because unfortunately that approach is one great way to stay single.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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