Being Open Versus Being Miserable
Published on December 8, 2014
In my online dating guide one of the things I emphasize is being open to different qualities people may have. I recommend this because people get a bit odd with online dating. That may sound rude, so let me explain.
When we meet people in the “real” world, often we have no idea when our next opportunity to date someone may come. As long as some key things line up, we’re happy to give the person a chance. “What’s the harm in one date?”, we’ll often say to ourselves.
However, with online dating, we suddenly turn into the pickiest people on the planet. I’ve seen genuinely sweet women come off as drama queens just because they write their profile in such a way that it sounds like they hate everything. I suspect this happens in part because we have less trust when meeting someone online (not a bad thing) and also because we have tons of options. All of a sudden, requiring the woman to love The Empire Strikes Back but hate Return of the Jedi seems like an okay idea.
It’s not.
But I don’t want to rehash my guide here. Instead, I want to talk about knowing where to draw the line. Here’s an email from one reader that highlights this:
I’m working on the profile and have one quick question. I am very passionate about my conservative politics. I am debating putting that on my profile. You may say it will eliminate some good men out there. I have dated liberal men in the past and have some male and tons of female friends who are very liberal. It does kill me not to be able to talk about current events or a touch of politics. We just look at the world differently. I want to date someone where I don’t have to hold back constantly.
Maybe I have answered my own question.
Yes, She Answered Her Own Question
As this reader suspected, she did work to a place where she had answered her own question. When I argue to be open-minded, I don’t intend for that to be seen as an argument that we should have no requirements, standards or opinions.
Instead, I think we need to ask a simple question: is this core to who I am? If you’re a happy introvert, then looking for someone who prefers quiet gatherings with friends over big parties is totally reasonable. If, on the other hand, you happen to hate Nickelback, that’s not a very reasonable thing to put in your profile. Although I know some will debate that!
The point is that I don’t think it’s healthy or productive to your dating life to be overly particular. Talk to a friend who’s happily married and ask them if there are any things about their significant other they’re not crazy about. Then get comfortable. And when they finish sharing what they don’t like, ask them if they’re happy to be married.
And that’s the thing: there’s lots of little things that aren’t going to match up with people you date because you’re a unique person. Just don’t allow those unique things about you to become more critical than they really are. Would you really sacrifice love just because someone has poor taste in music or happens to like Ewoks?
I hope not!
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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