Why Do Professional Women Struggle with Online Dating?
Published on February 8, 2014
Do single men really want the company of an educated and professional woman? While there is a certain novelty for a man to brag about being involved with an attorney, a nurse, a paralegal, or with a woman that holds a degree, it is dangerous grounds for the ego of some men. If you’re too smart, you are looked at with disdain. You’re obnoxious. You’re conceited. You think you know it all. It simply can’t be that you’re just smart as well as attractive.
Some men feel online dating is like window shopping for a sex buddy. This attitude can be a lose-lose situation for the woman. If you accept and live life similar to these men by sleeping with whomever you want, you’re seen as a whore. If you say no, you’re still called a whore (and a tease).
I distinctly remember the chat I had with my friend Summer almost two years ago. I was lamenting about spending my 33rd birthday with my cats. She chastised me because I worked too much. To summarize her opinion of my situation, I did it to myself…but she had a solution: online dating. I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the reports scattered across my desk. Then, another message from her…if I didn’t set up a profile, she would set one up for me. I knew that wasn’t a threat…that was a promise. With a heavy sigh, I went to Plenty of Fish at her suggestion and set up an account. She told me that she met her husband on their site.
Who Wants to Date a Workaholic..?
I hold a Bachelor’s of Science in Paralegal Studies. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in three years while in an abusive marriage and raising two small children. At the time I created my profile I worked full time and ran a business as a virtual paralegal. Of course, I was also a single mom. In short, I never had enough time to go around, but I was lonely when my kids were with their father.
I really didn’t expect much of a response. Who wants to date a workaholic? Well, as it turns out…I received more than 60 messages my first day. Those messages were sent by only seven or eight men. They started out with the usual, “Hi…how are you?” Yet, every one of them felt I had slighted them because I did not answer right away. It quickly went from “Hi,” to “Stop ignoring me,” to “You’re a bitch.” These men didn’t even know me. Simply because a woman is on a dating website doesn’t mean she can check her messages at any particular moment.
I did not initiate many conversations mainly because of my own schedule. One conversation, though, sticks out in my mind. It was around the time of the Presidential debates. I had traded a few messages with this man over a couple of days. He launched into his opinion on the candidates. I reciprocated with mine. He told me that I was too pretty to think so much and…that he didn’t like smart girls. I never heard from him again.
Eventually…Success
I only attempted two relationships. The first man loved to brag about being with a woman that is attractive, a successful writer, and a sought after paralegal. Yet he didn’t want to find common interests because in his own words, I am boring because I prefer intellectual and artistic pursuits to smoking pot and playing video games. The second man? He was a keeper even when we would disagree on certain subjects. I eventually married him.
My personal experience isn’t uncommon for women that obtained a higher education. I spoke with an attorney, an insurance agent, and a licensed clinical therapist that all tried online dating. All of them told me stories that boil down to one common theme: many men expect educated women to dumb themselves down.
I know women who do not work in what we would consider professional settings. I know women who are strippers, waitresses, and cleaning ladies. We all experience the same thing with online dating.
Being a professional woman has its own set of problems. We want to be accepted as equals by our peers and by the people that we want to be with. This comes with an often unspoken rule enacted by others and sometimes by our own brains: don’t be too smart. They won’t like you if you’re too smart. Just smile and be pretty.
Women, regardless of profession, need to understand their worth. Worth is not defined by other people. Worth is defined by you. We do not owe any person, particularly a stranger on a dating website, an explanation on why we choose not to answer (or why we don’t have all day to sit around on a dating website). We owe ourselves the obligation of finding a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship does not include being called a whore, being degraded, or having to dumb ourselves down to be accepted by a potential mate.
Author: robin
Robin Bull resides in Oklahoma with her husband (whom she met online) and three sons. Mrs. Bull holds a BS in Paralegal Studies. She is a full time freelance writer.
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