When Someone You Want to Date Repeatedly Loses Interest
Published on December 4, 2013
Many of us have been in this situation: you start to talk with someone and may even begin to date, but then they disappear. No more calls or texts and no explanation on where they went. Then out of the blue, they contact you again as if everything is fine and the cycle repeats itself.
I’ve seen people give up all other opportunities just to repeatedly wait on someone who isn’t fully committing and I want to talk about that here.
Are You Interested in Dating or Not??!
You’ll find yourself asking this question a lot with this type of person, either in your head or directly to them: are you interested or not?! One day the answer clearly seems yes. Then for weeks you’ll not hear from them or see them. What’s going on?
I think what we see in the person that is one minute interested in you but the next gone isn’t necessarily someone who doesn’t care about you. But they obviously care about other things more. Don’t ignore that fact because it may be helpful in making the right decision for the longer term.
My Recommended Approach to Date the “Interested but Uncommitted”
I talk to a lot of people who are constantly on this up-and-down roller coaster. They’re dating (or something close to dating) someone who shows some interest but they never really commit. And these people are often forced to go through the painful situation of questioning the relationship over and over again.
At the same time, when I recommend to these people that they move on, they just can’t bring themselves to give up. It’s as if they’ve invested so much in the hope that they are afraid to give up because, “What if I give up but they would have committed to me in another week?”
I get that. However, what really bothers me is to see the people waste so much time waiting. They’re not meeting other people and in some ways are controlled by a person who isn’t investing in them. Five years from now when the look at how they spent their time on trying to build a relationship, will they be happy?
Knowing you should move on but just not being able to might sound like you. Maybe just like many other people I talk to, you can’t bring yourself to give up on that person who is driving you crazy. Knowing that, I’d like to make the following pretty simple recommendations:
1. Recognize this Pattern Will Probably Continue
For whatever reason, they’re not fully investing in you. It would appear that they don’t yet see you as a long-term part of their life. This might be because they’re interested in you, but not that interested. It might be because they have a lot of things they prioritize higher than their relationship with you. Or any number of other reasons…but the point is that it’s likely to continue.
2. Recognize that You Have Competition
I don’t really mean other people, although that does happen. I’m suggesting here that you not ignore that you are competing with other areas of their life that cause them to become distant. Sometimes this might even mean they stop communicating with you for days or weeks.
When this happens, they’re saying by their actions that these other things are more important than their relationship with you. This mights sound odd, but that doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re allowed to have priorities…even priorities that may not make sense. My point is to recognize it.
3. Break it Off or Simultaneously Date Other People
The best option is to simply stop seeing this person as dating material. Easy, right?
I’ve talked with enough people to know that I’m unlikely to get you to give up on the waiting game, especially in one post on some website you’ve probably never visited before. In fact, there are entire books that dedicate themselves to helping you understand that the other person just isn’t that into you. I’m sure an entire book can’t convince some people, so I’m not going to try aside from saying that in many cases it’s the best option.
However, if you can’t take the advice and break off this painful cycle, why not play by the same rules they are setting? Find other things to keep you attention and other priorities. If they’re not committing to you, can’t you date other people while you continue to wait for them? I wouldn’t even hide it from them or sneak around – you’re either committed to each other or your not. When they don’t commit to you, they are setting the rules that this sort of thing is allowed. Their actions prove they believe that.
Most people hate this idea. Even people I talk to who aren’t dating anyone often hate this idea! And I won’t try to win you over here but would instead strongly recommend you read a semi-related advice on dating multiple people. It might feel wrong but at least consider it so I’ll worry less about all the time you’re wasting on someone who may never commit!
One other benefit is as you develop more interests, which could include dating other people, this person who just can’t commit to you might begin to realize just what they are at risk of losing! That’s not the goal, but it does happen.
In my mind, dating other people is the next best thing to breaking things off. It will give you a new perspective and how great would it be if you meet someone who will actually commit. Someone who’s just a great as the one you’re waiting on (even though right now you might think that’s impossible).
Again, I can’t make promises but it gives you a lot more opportunity than sitting by yourself on a Friday night!
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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