Avoiding Being Overly Critical of Yourself on First Dates
Published on November 27, 2013
How do you respond when you think you’ve made mistakes on a first date? Do you think you’re “bad” at first dates? I find many people think this but in reality, they are doing fine.
I get regular emails discussing bad first dates and the desire to recover from a mistake on a first date. However, as I mention in the linked article, a fair amount of the emails I receive are from people who think they totally failed and when they describe how, I see nothing majorly wrong.
To provide you an example, here’s an email from a reader with some details changed (to protect identities of course!):
Hi Brad, I read your article about getting a second chance after a bad first date. I wonder if you can offer me some advice.
I email a girl for nearly 3 weeks, and we spoke briefly over the phone for about 3 times. Today, we went on a first date.
I went to her house to pick her up. That was when everything else starting going wrong. I forgot to open the car door for her. That was my very first mistake. Then on our way to the restaurant, I almost drove past it and she had to remind me to change lanes.
At the restaurant, we talked about who we have in the family and what our love ones do. That part I thought it went okay. But here comes the part I wish I could have undo it. We talked about our jobs and our good friends. I told her know I used to hang out (lunch, sometimes dinner) with a very good friend at work, before her resignation to care for her husband. I should have told her this very good friend of mine is old enough to be my mom and there’s nothing between us.
I took care of the check. As we exit the parking lot, I took the wrong lane, and we had to use a different route to take her home. She had to point out the directions. Last but not least, I couldn’t tell which bag of leftovers belong to her. I just pointed at one of them and said it was mine. She took the food, said thank you, said bye, and that was it.
What do you think I should do?
Our Self-Criticism Can Turn a Fine Date into a Bad One
So here’s what I think of when I think of bad dates:
- Calling your date by the wrong name. Even worse: doing so repeatedly.
- Showing up 30 minutes late
- In the course of conversation, saying something that you realize is hugely offensive only after it has left your mouth
Nothing in this reader’s email (and in many others) jumps out to me as something I would categorize as a date-killer or a huge mistake.
My biggest concern reading this email isn’t that this man made any huge mistakes. My concern is that if he is this critical of himself over relatively small things, I’m afraid that would show his frustration on the date and this can turn a good date into a bad one.
The people you meet will pick up when you start to turn negative or get down on yourself and that can be a date-killer. So in some ways, being overly critical can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you’re not careful.
Addressing the Concerns Mentioned
To highlight my thoughts on this readers concerns and why I don’t see this date as a bad one based on his description:
- Not opening the door isn’t so bad. Many women don’t expect it but even if they do, I’ve never heard of a woman ending things because of this.
- The bad driving/bad directions while driving – another one that’s not a big deal. My suggestion to this reader: when you reach out to her again, make jokes about this. For example, suggest another date and say, “…although I’ll still need you to be my navigator so I don’t get us lost while driving!”. Heck, you could even subtly compliment her and say that you’re normally a good driver but you found yourself very distracted.
- Talking about friends of the opposite sex…this will happen. You have friends, your life didn’t begin at the start of the date. Sure, you shouldn’t go on and on about all the women you know, but talking about one friend from work? My advice to this reader: If you’re really worried about it, bring it up again. Say something like, “I was talking to my friend and things are going as well as they can with her husband. She was close to retiring anyway but I still feel bad for what she’s going through”. That way, you’re getting the message across that she was older without awkwardly saying so. But I don’t think this would be worth the effort honestly.
- Leftover bags…no big deal. Mistakes happen and it even opens the door to contacting her again.
The Follow-up to a Suspected Bad Date
So if you know the date went badly, I’d direct you to the article I mentioned at the beginning. But if you’re not sure, a few recommendations:
Don’t Give Up
First, don’t give up and say to yourself, “Well, that was the worst first date ever. I would be wasting my time to reach out again”. If you liked the person, don’t allow small areas to discourage you from contacting them again. Better to try for a second date and not get it than to assume things went horribly when the other person had a nice time.
Don’t Apologize
Unless you know you offended your date, there’s no need to apologize for small mistakes on a first date. Apologizing in this way is likely to make the other person feel uncomfortable. Imagine if you met with a friend for coffee and it was a nice time just talking. The next day, if they contacted you apologizing for it at a minimum you’d be confused and, in the worst case, you might feel uncomfortable about getting together again. This is even more of a risk with someone you just met for the first time.
Follow-up Positively
For next steps, send an email saying thanks for a great date or that it was great to finally meet. Suggest that the two of you get together for dinner or coffee again and suggest a day in the next week or so. Stay positive in the email. If you’re really feeling bad about some minor mistake, just make a joke like suggested above in the comments on driving…but be sure to stay positive.
And finally, try not to be so hard on yourself if this sounds like you. For many of us who are self-critical, this can be hard advice to take. So if you can’t avoid being hard on yourself, still try to avoid showing so on your date.
Assume things are going well until proven otherwise. If you think you’ve made a mistake, just keep going with the date. Don’t criticize yourself in front of your date. If you feel compelled to make an apology, make a quick one and move on from it; don’t dwell on your perceived mistake.
While online dating can cause some people to be hyper-critical of their dates, there are also many people who are very forgiving of small mistakes. Try to show yourself the same level of forgiveness for small mistakes that you would show your date.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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