Overreacting: A Relationship Killer

Published on April 23, 2012

Online dating can be confusing and there are situations that many of us have no experience with. For many of us, when we don’t understand something we begin to assume the worst. From the people I talk to, this seems to happen early in the relationships we build.

In some cases, especially for those of us who have been hurt, we end up overreacting. I think in some way, we’re trying to protect ourselves but really our overreacting hurts our chances. I wanted to write this article to encourage everyone the following: avoid overreacting to things you don’t understand! If you’re confused, ask questions. Don’t make demands or threats or insults. Just try to get to a point where you understand whatever is that is confusing you.

I’m going to use a recent reader example to illustrate how overreacting to confusion can cause a lot of harm. While this is just one example, I get emails from people with some regularity where I feel their response crosses the line. I generally get contacted a few days after they’ve done their overreacting where they begin to question their choices.

An Example of Overreacting in Online Dating

I’ll be using an example where a man took his profile offline and a woman took that as an offense, but I’ve seen examples of overreacting for the exact opposite (i.e., getting upset when someone does not taking their profile down after one date). The example isn’t as important as the message of “understanding is better than overreacting”.

I have been communicating online with a man who lives three hours away for about six weeks. After several failed attempts to meet, we finally were able to meet this past weekend. Even though it was our first meeting, we connected well and it seemed to me there was a genuine attraction between us. When he left to return home, he told me what a wonderful time he’d had and that we should do it again “sooner rather than later”.

Two days later, I hadn’t heard from him so I logged into the dating site we met on and his profile picture was gone. I sent him a message asking if he’d blocked my profile. He responded “I’m off the site”. I was so confused… we had such a great afternoon and evening. My immediate reaction was “he’s married or in a relationship”. I sent him a few choice words and have not contacted him again. However, later in the week I again logged into the site and he was active on the site again.

So my question is this….do you think I overreacted? My girlfriend thinks I did, that perhaps he got off the site for me and I blew it… Did I overreact?

In this case, I felt she had overreacted and I told her as much. One thing she didn’t understand was that this man’s actions suggested he liked her! When he took his profile down, what he was saying was “I don’t need this dating site any longer, I’ve found one woman I want to pursue.”

I understand how someone new to online dating could misunderstand but a guy taking his profile down after meeting a woman is a huge compliment. The night I met the woman who would eventually become my wife, I took my profile down so I do speak from experience. And you can see how tough it is for women who have to deal with the opposite here and here.

There Can Be Recovery!

One thing I pointed out to this reader was that just because we overreact doesn’t mean all is lost. I’ve found that when we realize we’ve crossed a line, if we are painfully honest and ask for another chance, many times we’re given one. The important part is recognizing we’ve overreacted soon, as the longer you wait to make amends, the more difficult it will be. Here is part of my advice to her on recovering:

Now I really did believe that she could recover but I also knew there was a chance that she’d never hear from the guy again. However, the great news is a few days ago I received a follow-up email from this reader:

Just wanted to let you know that your advice worked! I sent him a message and included you suggestions – kept it brief and honest; I told him I was like the “run-away bride” – I panic and bolt :). It took a few days but he accepted my apology and we are communicating again!

I wanted to provide the feedback for all your other readers – don’t make the same mistake I did. I very nearly sabotaged the potential to have a great man in my life! Men and women don’t always think the same. Thank you for a spot on assessment – keep doing what you do :)

So if you’re reading this and you’re feeling hopeless…there is hope! I’d recommend you take the same approach to try to repair things if you are in this situation. Yes, it may not work but I do think it’s worth a shot.

And again, concentrate on understanding situations that confuse you when you’re dating online. Making assumptions that you know exactly why someone is doing something can be dangerous business.

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