Revealing a Disability in Online Dating

Published on November 14, 2011

How should someone with a visible disability approach revealing this information when dating online? A few times in the past year I’ve been contacted by readers who have had this question.

I’ve always tried to handle answering this question carefully because I can’t fully appreciate the situation. I think I can empathize well but when it comes right down to it, I’ve never walked in their shoes. I’ve warned readers who have contacted me of my limited experience…but they still seem to be thankful for my advice. With that in mind, I wanted to share my take on this situation with everyone.

Does the Disability Define Who Your Are?

I think the answer to this question helps drive the dating advice I’ve given. In each case when I’ve been contacted, my readers have made it clear that their disability does not define them; instead it is just a part of who they are. Perhaps a negative part, but still just one part.

If we take that idea and apply it to what I would consider “good” general online dating advice I would say this: we shouldn’t go out of our way to define ourselves in our profile based on “negatives” or things we don’t like about ourselves. At the same time, with the bigger issues we don’t want to mislead someone to the point that they are surprised on the first date.

I do have an example of how I handled this type of situation when I was dating, although it is trivial compared to what others will experience. Still, it may help:

When I was dating online, I already looked much younger than I was (which can be a surprisingly big turn-off to women when you’re in your 20s). I was 25 but often found people assuming I was in high school. I then found myself needing to get braces which made my problem even more pronounced.

In my dating profile, I was careful not to show my teeth when smiling in photos and didn’t mention it in my profile itself. I would then start talking to women and as we got to know one another, they saw I had a lot to offer. Eventually, as I became more comfortable with the women, I would bring up how I looked very young in-person and would explain that I had braces. I would let them know that I wanted to bring it up sooner but that it was a touchy topic for me and that I was afraid I would be eliminated before I was even given a chance. Most women weren’t too bothered although some did “disappear”.

The important thing about my approach was that I provided the information BEFORE we decided to meet. Normally after 2 or 3 emails I would explain my situation. I felt like if I had scheduled a date and then said “oh by the way…” that they would have felt misled. Also, if there were women who were going to “disappear” I wanted to give them a chance to do so because if we had actually met I’m sure things would have gone poorly.

Basically, I didn’t go out of my way to define myself based on any negative qualities about myself. My braces didn’t really define who I was just as a prosthetic limb doesn’t define a man who has one. However, once I started building a relationship with a woman I was sure to let her know about it.

To sum up my recommended approach:

• I wouldn’t go out of my way to describe disabilities in my profile unless they, in some large way, define who you are as a person.
• I would go out of my way to describe any disabilities as you get to know the person better and before you meet.

The Risk of this Approach

I’ve already touched on the risk of this approach in my example: some people will disappear. You’ll bring up the topic and then you’ll never hear from them again. However, I still like this approach because my hope is that every person would find someone who appreciates who they are.

One reader described his situation in this way:

The effects of a visble physical condition upon “chemistry” are obvious, I think; I have experienced them my entire life. The advantage in traditional encounters, however, is that some folks get past the obvious after two or three or several encounters. This, of course, is the downside of dating sites: no real contact, at least initially, in exchange for greater numerical possibilities.

I believe that what this reader was seeing when people “got past the obvious” was when women started to see who he was and this encouraged them to give him a real chance. My suggested approach has a similar desire: to see everyone given a chance to have success on the merits of who they are. There will be rejection and there will be people who immediately stop talking to you but I still see this approach as one that gives the most opportunities.

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