Problems with the Second Online Dating Email
Published on July 10, 2011
A reader writes in that she was have some success with initial contacts but was struggling when moving beyond that:
Please address the SECOND email you send. I just began using Match.com and get lots of winks and have had a few first emails. But when they respond, their answers are short and not too informative or don’t seem to offer much to move things forward. More like “what do you want to know” when I haven’t asked the questions along those lines. I generally say I like the same things (I get specific), tell briefly about myself and invite them to email me back. they do but leave it brief and in my court.
To me, it’s a little odd that their responses are so short but I will say that getting contacts/winks/responses is a good thing. It seems that not getting responses at all is a much more common problem and it’s good that this situation has moved beyond that. Still, it’s an annoying problem and appreciating that you don’t have someone else’s problem isn’t going to solve it.
Here are some ideas on how to approach this situation.
Don’t Talk About Yourself at All
Honestly, normally you should talk about yourself but in this case it seems that the person either struggles to communicate or they are not interested enough (yet). One of the best ways to have someone else be interested in you is to show interest in them (this is not a new idea…Dale Carnegie was proving this worked back in the 1930s).
If you show genuine interest in wanting to learn about the other person, they are far more likely to respond. This can open the door to better conversations they will gain genuine interest in you and you’ll find yourself not having any issues in regards to having the opportunity to talk about yourself. The trick here is to find something in their profile and express a genuine interest in learning about it.
Open Ended Questions on Interests
I always found it difficult to get people to open up through email when they were already being terse. One thing you can try is finding something they are passionate about in their profile and asking them a general open-ended question about it. Try to avoid anything that could be answered easily and this might require a few minutes of research (possibly painful but helpful).
If they like fiction don’t ask what their favorite book is, ask them what series they would want to live in and why. If they’re a camping nut, don’t ask them what the best park to go camping is, ask them what their best camping experience was.
Is This a Generational Thing?
This is a wild guess but if you’re in your early 20s it might apply: you could respond in the same fashion as them.
When they write you something like “what do you want to know?” you can respond with “do you like your job?” or something else general and short. I suggest this because the current generation of young adults have grown up having these types of conversations through IM and texts. To many, this might be normal.
Now I would think most people would move to something a bit more fleshed out when dating online…but maybe not! Perhaps some of these people are looking at the dating emails exactly like instant messenger conversations? If so, run with it and see if their responses improve.
Skip the Email: Instant Messager
Speaking of instant messengers, that could be another option. If you sent them an email suggesting you chat at a specific time, maybe they would be more inclined to open up in a chat session. The fact that you receive the first response gives you so many more options than you had before. Also, if you see them online try to start a chat session and see if it goes any better.
Skip the Email: Meeting
Finally, if you’re comfortable with it you could always ask them out to have a coffee. Even if you’re a woman in this situation. I know this is traditionally the guy’s role but if you can’t get someone to open up and you’ve decided to give up on them, you have nothing to lose by throwing this out there. I have discussed the idea of meeting quickly in my post on The First Date.
Challenge Them
If you’re about to give up but don’t want to jump to a first date, try this instead: find something in their profile and give them a hard time about it. For example:
I just saw in your profile you like Babylon 5…ugh! That show is such a boy show! That Spock guy is really annoying!
So here I am trying to get a response out of them just to see if it will get the conversation going. I also intentionally confuse Star Trek with Babylon 5 because this should make his responding all but guaranteed. Now if they respond with “No, that’s Star Trek” and say nothing else, it’s time to move on. A valiant effort was made but it’s going no where.
Final Thoughts
Honestly, this isn’t a question I’ve received a lot in the past. Normally if a guy contacts (or responds) to a girl they’ll try to continue to move the conversation along. Sure, every now and again I would expect you to run into a guy/girl that responds with short, one-sentence replies but I wouldn’t expect you to see this happening repeatedly. If you are seeing this repeatedly, give some of the ideas above a try and see if that helps open the conversation up.
My final thought to my reader in this case was this:
I’d say keep reminding yourself of the silver lining that you are getting all these contacts and hopefully you’ll end up talking to a guy who understands how to write an email soon!
Maybe the same thought would be helpful for you!
What about you? Any recommendations for getting people to open up after the initial email?
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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