Tips for Better Conversations on the First Date

Published on May 19, 2011

First date conversations are a tricky thing: we all realize how important they are but sometimes we still don’t prepare while other times we put so much emphasis on having “good” conversations we actually create problems for ourselves.

In one of my very first articles for this site, I had given tips for first date conversations based on what worked well for me. I wanted to touch on the points I made back then as I still see them as valuable. Also, if you are looking for a list of suggestions see my post on first date topics.

Photo by rox sm

I’ll just be touching on what I believe the most important parts of first date conversations are and would recommend you check out my original article if you want the full details on my opinions.

Who Are They? And Are They What I’m Looking For?
Oddly when many of us date we forget something very important: finding the type of person we’re looking for! Often, we get so caught up in wanting to be accepted by our date that we ignore if they are bringing anything to the table from our point of view. In other words, many singles approach first dates with 100% emphasis on “am I what they are looking for?” and 0% emphasis on “are they what I’m looking for?”

With that in mind, the first thing you should plan to cover in your first date conversations is discovering if the person you’ve just met is the person you’re looking for. You should have a good idea of what you want. If you’re not sure what you want, I can recommend what worked for me: date a lot of people.

When I started dating online, I thought I didn’t have that many requirements. The more women I met the more I realized I had just been lying to myself. We all have requirements. Even when they might lean towards “shallow”, we should be honest with ourselves and truly start searching for what it is that we want a partner to have.

Don’t Put Your Date on Trial
Another risk is to go in the exact opposite direction: once we’ve identified what we want in a mate it can sometimes be easy to put our date through an “interview” process. The fun of the date can be killed, especially for the one being interviewed.

You may end your interview and realize they’re exactly what you’re looking for only to realize they’re running for the door as quickly as they can.

The point is that dating can’t just be about meeting the “one”. Yes, that’s the most important part but if you drain all the fun out of dating, you may not enjoy yourself (and you should be having fun). Not only that, you may give your dates a very wrong impression about who you are.

Photo by Cindi Matthews

Be Willing to Talk About Yourself
Similar to small-talk, we need to be willing to open up…not just get our date to do so. You may find yourself on some dates where they don’t ask you too many questions. Some people suggest this means they are shallow and only care about themselves but I disagree. Yes, some of the time that is the case but not always. Some people get nervous, others just have fun talking and aren’t paying attention to how much back-and-forth is going on. If the questions aren’t being aimed at you be willing to bring them up yourself.

Developing A Script
I recommend developing a script as well as being willing to throw the script away. When you develop a script for a date, your goal isn’t to plan every single thing you’ll talk about. Your goal should be to be prepared for when there are lulls in the conversation.

It can happen on the best of dates: a little silence. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if a little silence turns into a long silence or even several long silences, your chances could be hurt. No one wants to be uncomfortable and silences, as harmless as they truly are, can cause us to feel as if there is no chemistry. One problem I had with this was once a date headed in this direction, it often continued getting worse.

So being prepare is a good thing but when the conversation is flowing on it’s own don’t get in the way with your plans.

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So these are the basic rules I followed on my first dates when dating online. How about you? Do you have any tips for having great first date conversations? I’d love to hear what works well for you in the comments below.

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