Book Review: Dating the Second Time Around
Published on April 19, 2011
Note: I received a copy of this book for free in order to review it.
Dating the Second Time Around is a book written for a very specific audience: those who have previously been in serious, committed relationships (normally marriage) who are now looking to date again. Based on the fact that eHarmony is associated with this book, I assumed prior to reading it that it would also be for those specifically looking to date online. To my surprise, this wasn’t the case at all. But more on that later.
Relationships Are Hard but Are Worth Having
If I had to give one central theme to this book it would be exactly that: relationships are hard but they’re worth having.
This isn’t a book about just finding a relationship. Instead, it is a book about searching, finding, cultivating and then maintaining a healthy relationship. The book is written in an open way, discussing the fact that looking for a new relationship after you’ve been committed for years is a daunting task. There’s none of the this-will-be-easy-if-you-do-everything-I-say that is found in some dating advice books (which I despise).
The book actually outlines why having to look for a relationship after you’ve already been in a committed relationship has benefits, how people are able to consider things never taken into account when they were teenager or twenty-somethings entering a serious relationship for the first time.
Yeah, But They Beat You Over the Head with the eHarmony Hammer, Right?
When I picked this book up, I was prepared to have one of those hybrid books where in part it is advice but in another way it’s one big advertisement for the associated service (in this case, eHarmony). I was shocked that a real discussion of online dating didn’t happen until half-way through the book. eHarmony was mentioned at that point but even then the writing was open to online dating in general as opposed to eHarmony specifically.
From what I can tell, the authors are writing for the benefit of their readers not the benefit of eHarmony. There are definitely sections that lend themselves very well to eHarmony’s service. For example, in Chapter 4 (What Do You Want in a Partner?) there is a section early on regarding “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” which I consider to be a very “eHarmony” topic (it’s a part of their guided communication process). However, the advice isn’t strictly tied to eHarmony and is helpful regardless of how you’re looking for a partner.
A Great Dating Advice Book
After the first 15 minutes, I knew I was reading a great dating advice book. It was written honestly, helpfully and with a real focus on their audience. I entered with low expectations suspecting the book would be an infomercial for eHarmony but instead found one of the best dating advice books I’ve read in years. Why do I say that? Here are some of the areas I really enjoyed in the book:
Taking Control
From the beginning, the reader is encouraged to take control of the process of searching for the right person. I think the fact that we should be looking for someone as opposed to anyone is something that seems lost on many people I talk to.
This is especially true with detractors of online dating who suggest randomly meeting people at the bar or a bookstore is the pinnacle of finding great relationships. I’m not saying it can’t happen but I’ve seen a lot more people at the bar looking for anyone as opposed to looking for someone.
The book recommends the approach I would want my readers to take: find the right person. Understand what you’re looking for and who you are. Take that knowledge and make intelligent decisions not just decisions that will put you into a relationship the quickest.
The Issue of Confidence
As I talk about in my guide, I was always annoyed with the advice that tried to solve every dating problem a guy could run into with “you need more confidence” as the only answer. Almost every dating book I’ve picked up discusses the topic and more than a few of them obsess over it as if is the only item worth discussing.
Dating the Second Time Around did discuss confidence but in a way I could appreciate. They recommended that you identify your strengths and you concentrate on those areas. This is so much better advice in my mind than the “just be more confident” that so many others seem to believe is helpful (it’s not).
Discussions of Compatibility
The chapter on compatibility lends itself to the eHarmony process of matching singles but again it was done in such a way to help the reader whether eHarmony is involved or not. This chapter is a bit more “scientific” but that doesn’t make it difficult to read. In fact, I found it quite interesting. It starts out with an analysis of how we put so much emphasis on physical attraction and how those who give up good chemistry for the sake of dating someone attractive can end up being miserable.
The chapter then takes an unexpected dive into real chemistry including things like MHC molecules and physical attraction but again, it all remains interesting! The chapter continues to walk through many different topics of compatibility such as first impressions (and why they are sometimes incorrect), the breakdown of emotional temperaments, taking a person’s background into account and personal habits. The chapter ends with what I found to be quite good advice on measuring the good and the bad in a potential partner as if making deposits or withdrawals from a bank account (with recommendations that you avoid “bankrupting” your relationship).
Meeting Others Everywhere, Not Just Online
Again, proving my initial assumption wrong, the book makes a good effort at describing ways you can meet people everywhere in your life. The advice isn’t limited to online dating: suggestions for forming singles groups or asking a friend’s partner if they know anyone single and looking are a few examples of the advice they give. Online dating is included in their list of options for meeting singles but it is only one of fifteen suggestions that they offer.
The book then discusses the process of meeting others in non-singles-oriented environments. I always struggled with this. I did well at friends’ parties or weddings but the idea of getting a date from someone I have absolutely no connection to has always been too daunting to me. The advice here was fine but it definitely didn’t change my mind on my belief that this method just isn’t for me (although they did offer interesting advice on body language).
The Second Time Around
Much of this book is geared towards the single that was in an extended and committed relationship previously. While I can’t relate with much of the advice given, I can appreciate it and I like that the book is focused on a specific group of people.
Some of the areas specifically for this group include a chapter on identifying what went wrong the last time and a chapter on introduce a new love interest to your children or your family in general. I thought the section on children was especially helpful as they broke the advice down by the age of the child (including adult children). Again, it’s obvious to me that the authors put a lot of thought and effort into giving the best advice they could.
Chapter Breakdown
Here’s a quick view of the chapters covered in the book with some of my thoughts on each area. Some of these chapters had more good information in them then entire books I’ve read!
Looking at You
A discussion of who you are, where you are in your life and making improvements before you start dating again. I think this line sums up much of what the chapter delivers:
Change what you can to make yourself healthier and happier, but do it for yourself, rather than some potential partner you haven’t met yet.
What Went Wrong the Last Time?
A chapter very specific to the second-time-arounders. As the name suggests, the chapter concentrates on actually understanding what went wrong and challenges the reader to ask some hard questions while giving honest answers (yes, even if it means being fair to an ex!) The chapter also brings up the idea that you should be considering if you’re even ready to meet someone new yet.
Compatibility Explained
I discussed this above but, again, this chapter goes into great detail on what makes up chemistry and compatibility in relationships. From personality to background to belief systems to emotions: it’s a good guide to what makes people attracted to one another. Having used eHarmony, I could see many parallels between what this chapter argues and how eHarmony is implemented (no surprise there I suppose).
What Do You Want in a Partner?
I love the placement of this chapter in the book. So many of us are obsessed with what we can bring to someone else in a relationship when we should be starting by identifying exactly what we are looking for in a relationship. I like that the reader is required to consider what they are looking for before the actual looking begins. The bulk of this chapter concentrates on identifying what are labeled as “must haves” and “can’t stands” to better identify what you’re looking for.
Looking for that Certain Someone
A chapter devoted to helping you meet other singles with the second half of the chapter devoted totally to online dating. Still, lots of good information for more old-fashioned dating as well.
Do’s and Don’ts on the First Date
Lots of bulleted lists in this chapter! It’s a good chapter with many different mistakes that people make and suggestions for how to improve your first dates. Includes some items that some people might not consider like staying safe, how you should arrive on the date (drive separately) or setting the length of the first date. Their advice is braver than mine! I suggest short first dates that you extend on-the-fly if you find a great date where they suggest limiting the first date to a few hours. I’ve been on one too many bad first dates suggest a few hours!
The Early Weeks
A chapter on continuing to cultivate the relationship and concentrating on identifying if the person you’re dating is even one you should be pursuing.
Making It Work
This chapter is for those who are now in a committed relationship with the person for several months (or longer). This covers general relationship advice such as conflict resolution or being there for each other in difficult times. I really appreciate the discussions in this chapter as it reinforces that this is a book for building healthy relationships for the long-term.
Special Challenges the Second Time Around
This covers the situations that you wouldn’t experience the first time you entered a serious relationship but are bound to run into this time around. Topic such as family issues and children are covered. This chapter is a great example of the benefit of the book being written for a very specific audience.
Preparing for Commitment
A chapter that urges caution and clear-headed thinking as you move forward. It includes discussions on divorce, commitment, signs you should move forward and bad reasons to do so.
Keeping It Fresh and Fun
Marriage isn’t the end of the book! As the book puts it right from the beginning of the chapter:
If you think a wedding ring on your finger means you can stop working at your relationship, think again
This is a chapter any of us in a marriage could apply to our relationships. Readers are encouraged to keep things exciting, travel together, work on project together and so on.
Final Thoughts on the Book
If you haven’t picked up on it, I thought the book was awesome. I could see a single person coming back to it time and again over many years: first searching for someone special and even later when trying to maintain a strong relationship when married.
As in any area of life, I don’t agree with everything it contains but it’s clear the book is written with the goal of creating healthy, long-lasting relationships and serves to help guide singles through the entire process. I highly recommended it, especially for those dating for the second time around.
Also, I was surprised to see a lot of negative reviews on Amazon for the book as I really did think the book was great (and started wondering if I was seeing something others don’t). Turns out those negative reviews are coming in because the eHarmony site is apparently popping up an ad for the book in such a way that people are clicking the ad when they don’t want to be. So it would appear people are voting down an annoying marketing practice, not the book itself.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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