Dating Philosophy for Everyone
Published on January 14, 2011
In this review I’m going to discuss the book Dating Philosophy for Everyone: Flirting With Big Ideas. First and foremost, let me say that this is a philosophy book that discusses dating and not the other way around. When I was first asked to review the book I had assumed it would be a traditional “how-to” with philosophy thrown in. This is not the case at all…not that this is a bad thing.
As it lays out in its forward, Dating Philosophy aims to discuss areas ranging from ancient teachings to the intimacy in a virtual space (that is, the internet). This book is not a guide to dating but instead more a guide to better understanding aspects of dating and to a certain degree relationships in general. This book is actually a collection of papers written on different areas of dating that are split into five different categories:
- Part I Getting Started: From Flirting to Dating
- Part II No-No’s: Dating Taboos
- Part III Rolling Right Along: Dating Like a Pro
- Part IV Another World: Cyber-Rendezvous
- Part V From Date to Mate: Natural Selection?
Because this book is a collection of papers from different authors on varying topics, instead of a traditional review I’ll instead talk briefly about some of the chapters I found most interesting. Hopefully this will give you a good idea on what you can expect to find within Dating Philosophy. Before I talk about the chapters let me point out that I am not a philosopher and this book was far “deeper” than my normal reading so take my thoughts with that in mind!
Thoughts on a Few Chapters…
Chapter 1: The Philosophy of Flirting by Carrie S. Jenkins
This chapter aims to better define flirting…that is, to better define it compared to how a traditional dictionary does (which the author found to be inaccurate). How flirting should be defined is discussed in great details and makes points including:
- There are differences between flirting and being flirtatious
- Flirting is always intentional (although the author seems to be ready to point out some weaknesses with this argument)
- It is possible to flirt without flirting with anyone
As I read the first chapter I quickly realized how academic this book was going to be. For example, the chapter ended with the following which defined what the author saw as conditions for flirting:
First, the flirter should act with the intention to do things which are disposed to raise flirter-flirtee romance and/or sex to salience for the flirtee, in a knowing yet playful manner. Second, he or she should believe that the flirtee can response in some significant way.
Now intelligent/academic writing isn’t a bad thing at all but it was at this point that my assumption that this was a dating book with philosophy thrown in for good measure was destroyed! The author is digging into the topics far deeper than I had anticipated but it remained surprisingly interesting.
Chapter 5: “Crazy in Love” by Mary Beth Yount
I enjoyed this chapter as it was in part a look at love from a biological point of view. I also liked that the beginning of the chapter it laid out the different types of love: eros, philia, storge and agape. I was actually familiar with three of those already but it was a good refresher (and also a reminder of how imprecise the English language can be compared to some other languages). This chapter discussed some of the science of love, such as brain patterns that occur when we view those we love and how those patterns can change over time in that relationship. The chapter eventually reveals that the biochemical rewards of love can actually be addictive (and even activate the same areas of the brain as cocaine!)
Chapter 8: Buy My Love by Kyla Reid and Tinashe Dune
I include this chapter mostly because I found myself agreeing with the arguments presented. This chapter discusses another book called “The Rules” which instructs women on the exact steps that they should take to find love. I dislike advice like this and go out of my way to avoid suggesting that there is only one way to do things in my own advice. Where I was bothered by this type of advice because a) I could remember how it didn’t work for me and b) because I think much of this advice is more about marketing than it is about truly helping people, the authors here take some different exceptions with it.
The main argument they make is that a business-like approach to a relationship, where the man is expected to meet strict requirements including meeting certain types of gift giving rules, begins to blur the line between the woman taking the advice and sex workers/”professional girlfriends”. They argue the approach of women looking for love but treating this search like business transactions is not the way to go (and again, obviously I agree).
I imagine some will disagree with the authors’ point-of-view but it is an interesting read regardless.
Chapter 14: How to Be Yourself in an Online World by Dan Silber
Well, I had to include this chapter since it’s on online dating! The author describes how he (like me) met his wife using Match.com. He discussing the virtual aspects of online communication and how it exists as a fragmented form of communication. He also discusses in some detail his personal experience with meeting his wife and later talks about self-definition and authenticity. From the part on authenticity he states:
Online dating, with its invitation to experiment with self-definition, makes avoidance of inauthenticity difficult, but not impossible.
This statement really jumped out at me because it reminded me of my own experience with online dating: when I started dating online I was (unintentionally) less authentic. Partly I was trying to be what I thought others would want me to be but also because in the beginning, I now realize, I didn’t really know what I was looking for. I was trying to be everything to everyone and was having success with exactly no one. However, the more I dated, the more comfortable I got. And as I became comfortable my ability to both define myself and what I was looking for in that “special someone” became much clearer and more authentic.
Will This Book Help Me Improve My Dating Life
So…will this book help improve your dating life? Honestly I would say…maybe. I would say that by no means does this book have the goal of holding your hand and explicitly equipping you to have better dates. At the same time, the knowledge and thoughts shared by its authors can give a better understanding behind why we as humans do what we do or act in certain ways as we search for a mate.
So, if you’re looking for an instructional book this isn’t the place to start. However if you enjoy philosophy and are dating (or find the topic interesting), then by all means this is a book you would want to check out. You can read more about the books at the publisher’s site, Wiley.com.
Want My Copy of the Book?
If you would like my copy of this book (and I only have one!) you’re welcome to have it. Just leave a comment below on why you would like to read this book and as long as you convince me you’re really interested in the topic, I’d be happy to ship it to you for free.
Note: I received a copy of this book for free in order to review it.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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