Online Dating Message Tips

Published on September 2, 2010

Photo by The Welsh Poppy

Below are some online dating message tips, most of which I also cover in my online dating guide. Hopefully these will help you with communicating on online dating services and might even help you realize that a problem you think you have isn’t a problem at all:

Be Realistic with Your Goals
First, don’t be too hard on yourself. More often than not your dating messages are not going to lead anywhere. Many people, especially those new to online dating, see every unanswered message as an insult. Don’t let this be you. There are many, many reasons why you may not receive a response. Don’t assume that you’re doing something incorrect. While it is a good idea to look for advice and to try and improve your messages, is a bad idea to assume that everything you’re doing is somehow wrong.

Be Open
Don’t be too strict with your messaging. Again, many people limit themselves on who they contact or how often they contact new people. While I often encourage people to contact a certain number of other singles within short time periods, it is a bad idea to set artificial limits on the number of people you will communicate with.

Additionally, you should be open to communicating with many different types of people. Many singles I talk with believe that they know exactly what they’re looking for in the person they date. Then as they date more often, that idea of what they’re looking for changes over time. Give yourself every opportunity and communicate with anyone who catches your interest. Even if they are lacking in quality you would like or have a quality you dislike, it is just communication at this point. Even if it goes to a first date, it need not go beyond that. Don’t risk robbing yourself of finding that special someone just because you’re a little too picky with who you talk to.

Perfect Is the Enemy of Good
Don’t get hung up on trying to write the perfect email. If it’s taking you an hour to write a few lines to someone who may not even write back, you’re spending your time in an inefficient way. Better to write many good messages in an hour and try to write one perfect email in that same time period. There are many reasons why people do not write back and even if the perfect initial message existed (and I don’t believe that it does) you still might not get a response when using it.

Early On, Be Brief
I discussed this idea in great detail in my post on writing your very first email to someone new. Don’t be concerned with trying to “sell” yourself in your first messages. Express your interest and see what comes of it. As in my last point, this is in part to best spend your time while using the online dating service. You can read more on this topic in detail in the post I mentioned above.

Prove Your Read Their Profile
Many men do not take online dating seriously. They write one message and then send that same message to 50 women. To stand out from this tactic all you need to do is mention something specific from the profile and you’re already ahead of the game. So read the profiles of the people you are contacting and start a real conversation. This advice goes for women as well although generally speaking they seem to already follow it without being told to.

Where’d they go?!
At times you’ll be having a great conversation online and then the other person will disappear. Just like in my first point, don’t immediately assume you’ve done something incorrectly. This can happen for many different reasons. One very common reason is that they have met someone and are pursuing a serious relationship with them: always remember that you do have competition!

So don’t be too discouraged if occasionally someone you’re talking to disappears or stops responding to your communication. In fact, you should be communicating with multiple people simultaneously as well and may find yourself in the position of “disappearing” someday yourself.

Photo by stuartpilbrow

Hesitation Can Hurt Your Chances
This is true in several different ways. First, if you see a profile that you like and say to yourself, “I’ll contact them next week”, you have no guarantee that they’ll still be looking next week. You’re not the only person viewing these profiles so waiting can hurt your cause.

Additionally, the goal of online dating is to meet other singles. Not to communicate with them for weeks and weeks on end, with no hint of ever wanting to meet. Again, you do have competition. You have no guarantee that you are the only person they are communicating with and your competition may be moving forward where you are still asking basic questions in messages on the online dating service.

I can’t say this enough: the goal is to meet people! That doesn’t mean you have to ask them on a date before you’re comfortable doing so but it does mean you should always be trying to move things forward. Whether that means talking on the phone were moving the conversation to an instant messenger, your actions should always be meeting you towards that goal of actually meeting the person you’re talking to.

I hope you find these a good starting point for writing better online dating messages. For more information, be sure to check out my guide.

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Author: Brad

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

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