No Apologies or Excuses in First Emails!

Published on June 27, 2010

Photo by °Florian
In my article on writing first emails using online dating, I discuss what should and should not be in your emails. I wanted to expand on that topic to include a pattern I’ve seen recently: apologizing or making excuses when contacting other singles.

Apologizing in First Emails

For whatever reason, some people see apologizing as the preferred way to start an email. It will often begin something like “Sorry to bother you…” or “I’m sure you get lots of emails so sorry if…”. It isn’t always as direct as this and sometimes it is more about the attitude shown in the email than the words. For example, including a comment on understanding if they don’t have time to get back to you sends the same message.

If you need reasons why this is a bad idea…

• Your first email should be short. Most people agree with this, although different people have different theories on why short works best. Regardless, if you agree with the idea that first contact should be short, why waste valuable space with apologies?
• Apologies are unattractive. It is no secret that, generally speaking, women prefer their men to be assertive. While I don’t buy into the idea guys can only be successful if they have massive amounts of confidence, I do believe that including insecurity in your first contact is a great way to get no response. Ladies aren’t immune from the habit of apologizing either and it is just as destructive: guys don’t want someone who is going to cling to them or fall apart if the first date doesn’t work out.
• There is no need to apologize! I was once on a first date where she apologized over just about everything: if she set her glass down too quickly, if we started talking at the same time, if she coughed…it got really bad near the end. I excused myself to use the restroom and somehow she ended up apologizing for it. I cannot think of one thing she apologized for that deserved an apology. At any rate, the thing I remember most about that date is all the apologizing. You do not want this to be you, whether you are on a first date or sending your first email.

Making Excuses in First Emails

Similar to apologizing in first emails, another habit that some people have is where they feel like they need to explain exactly why they decided to contact someone. As an example, someone might start an email like the following: “Since we both like such-and-such I thought I would drop you a line”. While this isn’t as bad as apologizing it simply isn’t necessary! Additionally, all of the reasons why apologizing is a bad idea can be applied to making excuses as well.

Listen: you are using an online dating site. Communication is something you should be doing. You don’t need to provide an excuse or reason why you are contacting them. If you have a lot in common, they are going to see that when they read your profile.

Now to be clear, it is fine to comment on a shared interest or a similarity in your first email. It is totally acceptable to mention that you too love a particular show or book or hobby. Things go wrong when you use that shared interest as an explanation for why you are contacting them. In other words:

This is fine: “I love the outdoors too! Have you ever visited Yellowstone?”
This is not: “I saw your profile and thought since you like the outdoors I should probably contact you”

Watch Your First Emails

You may be thinking that you would never apologize or make an excuse in a first email but still, be careful! Some services (like eHarmony, Chemistry, etc) will protect you from making this mistake because the communication is more controlled but most other services do provide you the opportunity to make this mistake, unconsciously or otherwise. You want to make a good first impression and apologizing or excuses only harm your first impression. I can’t imagine anyone has ended up on a first date because of their excellent ability to apologize when no apology was required.

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