A Pattern for More Successful Online Dating
Published on January 8, 2010
For most of us, when we start dating online there is some level of disappointment within the first few weeks of signing up for a dating service. From the outside looking in, dating services appear full of single people looking to date. While that’s true, what most of us get wrong (including myself, initially) is the idea that this fact alone will be enough to make dating online easy. As I discuss in my guide and all through this blog, dating online isn’t easy and it takes a serious commitment.
The Typical Pattern of the Frustrated Online Dater
Having spoken with many singles regarding online dating and having done it extensively myself, I have come to recognize a common pattern among those people frustrated with dating online. Below I’ve listed the normal steps to the online dating process with the amount of time frequently spent in each stage.
- Loneliness (Months to Years)
Not surprisingly, the pattern begins with loneliness or at the very least a desire to not be single any longer. - Contemplation (Weeks to Years)
The pattern continues with considering dating online as a solution to loneliness. Two things are often occurring here:- An argument with themselves regarding whether or not they should use online dating. This internal conflict includes things such as what others will think about them for dating online, looking for dating advice to avoid online dating, or (eventually) researching dating services.
- The second thing that is often occurring here are fantasies about how wonderful things could be if they started to use online dating.
- Signing Up (Minutes to Hours)
Something happens. Normally nothing huge, maybe just being the only single person at a small party. It might even be as simple as berating themselves for not having tried anything to increase the number of dates they are having. Whatever it is, it’s an emotional decision that says “That’s it!” and caution is thrown to the wind. They sign up for a dating service, often having had no plan to do so. The thought pattern here is: “I can’t believe I’m doing this”. - Attempts to Date Online (1 Week to 2 Months)
For a few weeks or sometimes even a few months, a degree of effort will be placed into dating online. Normally a few dates will be had but no sparks will fly. - Concern (1 Week to 1 Month)
After a time, as early as a single week for some people, there begins to be a great amount of concern. This concern normally revolves around the idea that the success they envisioned and the success they are having are not lining up. They begin to consider that either they are doing something horribly wrong or that online dating is a giant scam. In either case, the person has come to these feelings based an inaccurate perception on how much commitment online dating was going to take. - Regret (Lasts for the amount of time remaining on their subscription)
Barring some more significant success, at some point many of the people in the Concern stage enter the Regret stage. At this point there is either an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and the individual berates themselves and begins to consider themselves doomed to a life of loneliness or they become enraged at online dating in general, writing it off as worthless. At this point, the individual is normally just waiting for the time they’ve paid for on the dating service to expire and many times will not attempt to continue to date online even though they could do so. - Loneliness (Months to Years)
In many cases, online dating is providing the only dates for the people I’ve talked to. Abandoning it is abandoning dating altogether. - Contemplation (Months to Years)With not dates at all, eventually the loneliness becomes too much to bear and online dating is considered again. And so the cycle continues…
In many cases, these people don’t date actively for more than a few months. They actually put far more time into considering the idea of dating online than they put in to the actual act of dating online. Trust me: it takes some time to get into the swing of this type of dating. An emotionally driven pattern of dating causes the person to exit the online dating scene before they’ve fully come to terms with using it. Basically, they’ve not provided themselves with the time needed to be successful.
A Pattern for More Successful Online Dating
- Loneliness (Months to Years)
As before, we start with Loneliness as is no surprise. - Contemplation (1 Week to 1 Month)
Again, the second stage is the consideration of online dating as a solution to the loneliness. This stage should be handled far differently than before. Instead of concerning yourself with what others think or fantasizing about how successful you will be, instead consider:- Can you be committed to dating online? Make a promise to yourself to try for a set amount of time. Decide when you’re going to sign up and when you’re going to take a break if you’ve not met someone and stick to that plan.
- Do you recognize that things will at times be difficult? There will be bad dates and there will be times where there are no dates. Don’t be caught by surprise by this very real fact.
- If you can answer Yes to the previous two questions, research some dating services and decide which one seems like the best fit for you. Do you want a service like eHarmony where the service provides you matches based on personality or do you want more control on who you date with a service like Match.com?
- Be willing to seek advice. Dating advice blogs like this one are fine but I don’t know you as an individual so my advice will often be rather generic. Talk to some of your friends and maybe even some family members and let them know you’re single and looking. If you have any friends who have used online dating, these should be the first people you talk to. Be open to the advice they offer but always make your own decisions.
- Signing Up (Minutes to Hours)
This should not be the result of some emotion as in the pattern above. It should be a decision that has been made in advance. This should be the start of the commitment you made to yourself in the Contemplation stage. The thought pattern here is: “I’m going to do this right” - Commitment (6 Months)This is where you follow through with the commitment you made to yourself. Things won’t be easy and you will need to work hard at dating. Do not beat yourself up over failures. Do not convince yourself that online dating is a scam. These thoughts will only lead you down the road of being negative which can hurt you in many ways when dating. Stay committed to the timeframe you set. I would recommend 6 months as a good time commitment if you’re undecided.
- Contemplation (1 week)
At the end of the dating timeframe you set for yourself, you need to decide if online dating is worth continuing. If it is, recommit to a new timeframe and continue down the road you’ve been traveling. If you decide that online dating is not worth continuing, you must decide the following:- In the absence of dating online, how will you continue to date? If you don’t have an answer for this at the very least you should stay signed up for a free dating service (my recommendation is OKCupid). The point is to not re-enter the Loneliness stage just because online dating didn’t work for you. As frustrating as it may be, online dating is much more likely to cure loneliness than doing nothing at all.
- If you want nothing to do with online dating, not even a free service, set a new timeframe for yourself of a couple months. At the end of that timeframe ask yourself this question: “Was I happier with the frustration of dating online or am I happier today without it?”. If the former, it’s time to start contemplating dating online again. If the latter, online dating is clearly not for you.
The first pattern is more about emotion and the second pattern is more about control. In the first pattern, when emotion is driving you, emotion will also crush you in the absence of success. Emotion will drive you away from the dating scene where just a little more commitment may have given you success. When you take control of your online dating life the trials are easier to handle. Not enjoyable, but anticipated. Crush the fantasies and recognize the difficulties that will be encountered. Commit yourself to making an effort and dating online becomes both more manageable and enjoyable.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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