If I Am Shy, Should I Mention It In My Online Dating Profile?
Published on November 10, 2009
This is a question shy men often ask due to the dilemma of wanting to be as honest as possible when dating online but, at the same time, not wanting to hurt their chances with women who may reject a man who mentions this trait. I believe the answer to this question really depends on the severity of the shyness. Due to this, I’ll discuss different degrees of shyness and then give my opinion on what should be included in the dating profile given the degree of shyness.
Note that this advice is intended for men. There are social rules that men are expected to follow that makes being a shy man detrimental whereas being a shy woman, even to a great degree, has little or no affect on the chances for that woman to date or marry (see Dr. Gilmartin’s comments of this for more details). If you’re a shy woman and you want to list being so in your dating profile, that’s fine. If you don’t want to list being shy, that’s fine too. Any woman who is worried that her shyness is going to ruin her online dating chances, there’s good news: it’s very unlikely it will affect your dating at all. This is especially true with the growth of online dating which allows a shy woman to enter the dating scene actively while remaining comfortable.
Degrees of Shyness and Your Online Dating Profile
Introversion
Technically, introversion isn’t shyness. An introverted person will enjoy being alone and will intentionally avoid social situations. This is significantly different from a shy person because someone shy wants to be in social situations but their shyness, to different degrees, inhibits or prevents from pursuing these social activities.
An introverted person may have excellent social skills but prefers not to use them. This type of person would prefer to watch a movie at home instead of going to the bar. They would rather have a few friends over instead of throwing a party. If you’re intentionally making a choice to avoid social situations with no regret, you’re introverted as opposed to shy. I see no reason to go out of your way to explicitly point out introversion in your dating profile. However, you’ll be doing yourself a favor if you are honest and reveal that you prefer small gatherings over large ones or that you value one-on-one quiet time over the social scene.
I see no reason to make an issue of introversion in your dating profile, just as I see no reason for an out-going person to explicitly say “I’m extroverted” in their profile. There are better ways to make this point, most often by simply describing what you enjoy and dislike.
Mild Shyness
Mild shyness occurs around new people and situations and everyone experiences this in some fashion. If your shyness is limited to things like meeting new people, going on a first date, or entering a new situation, then you’re not technically shy. You’re just experiencing what we all feel in new situations. No need to list shyness if this sounds like you. If you experience severe feelings of shyness when meeting people and then it goes away, you could mention in your profile that you’re “shy at first”. You see this frequently in online dating profiles.
Moderate Shyness
The moderately shy person is one who experiences their shyness daily but who is able to overcome it to varying degrees. Moderately shy people will frequently or always experience anxiety when entering social situations. The range of this anxiety will vary from person to person as will the degree that the shyness affects the person’s life. Some people may be able to internalize this shyness to the point where other people don’t even realize they struggle with it. Others will find their shyness affecting their lives more visibly. For example, when it causes a person to avoid a specific social situation even though they desperately want to participate.
If you are a moderately shy person, you will need to evaluate how much this anxiety affects your life. If you are able to overcome your shyness most of the time, I don’t think that you need to explicitly state that you’re shy in your dating profile. However, you will want to emphasize the things you are comfortable with when dating. If you find your shyness ruling your decisions more than half of the time, I believe you should explicitly state that you are shy in your profile. At this point, it is affecting your life enough that revealing this early will be beneficial for everyone involved.
Painfully Shy
Painfully shy refers to someone with Social Anxiety Disorder. People with Social Anxiety Disorder will be unable to fully function in many areas of life. Their symptoms can be severe and can include panic attacks, trembling or excessive sweating. These symptoms can be brought on by many social situations, from having a conversation with someone to entering a room with many people in it to going on a first date. The painfully shy person will find that this anxiety rules their life. Those who suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder will often avoid social situations for long periods of time which in turn can increase the severity of their shyness. If your shyness has been diagnosed as Social Anxiety Disorder or if your shyness rules your life, then you must list it in your profile.
Love Shy
The love shy man will find it difficult (or even impossible) to approach or talk to a woman in informal situations. Strong feelings of anxiety will often be overwhelming to the point that the man will actually avoid a woman he is interested in. Love-shy men, according to Dr. Gilmartin, often have little or no real relationship experience with women. This is particularly troubling for these guys since their goal is to have a strong relationship with a woman but the fact that they’ve never had one causes anxiety and contributes to the continuation of being alone.
If you are a man who is comfortable in all areas of life and social interaction except when dealing with women you are attracted to, then you’re probably dealing with love-shyness. To be clear, if you get nervous around a woman you’re attracted to that’s not called shy, it’s called normal. It’s when your feelings go far beyond nervousness, to point of extreme anxiety, that love-shyness enters the picture.
The good news here is that online dating actually solves many of the problems for the love-shy man by providing them with a formal situation (which they are more comfortable with) to ask the woman on a date. I believe that I experienced love-shyness to some degree. I hadn’t dated for over 4 years when I started dating online and when I had dated previously I was still a teenager. I had dated actively in my late teen years but I wouldn’t say I had any deep relationship connections with the girls I dated. When I started dating online, I was extremely stressed that I wouldn’t know how to interact with adult women and I felt a lot of anxiety regarding this. The good news is that online dating made asking women out easy. I slowly realized that adult women weren’t all that different from the teenage women I had dated (no offense here ladies, just saying) and within six months any sign of love-shyness had totally disappeared. I was even asking women out at parties and the bar.
If you’re a love-shy man, I wouldn’t suggest going out of your way to list this in your profile. If you’re like me, once you get a few dates under your belt and realize that things are going to be fine, I think you’ll find it’s no longer an issue. Online dating provides a very formal way to find dates which make guys with this trait far more comfortable. If now having read this, you realize you’re love-shy, don’t worry about it! Things really will work out fine with some persistence.
My Experiences Dating Online As a Shy Man
I am quite the mixed bag of shyness traits. I’m definitely introverted as I can skip social interactions happily…I actually find too much social activity very draining. I also experience some “moderate shyness” when I am in loud or crowded places and I suffer from anxiety after a long enough time period. And then I also dealt with being “love-shy” for the first few months of my online dating. Even with my collection of shy traits, I never listed shyness in my dating profile and if I’m honest I rarely experienced it after getting past the “mild shyness” period of the dates.
If you’re shy and struggling to get going with online dating, I think you would find my online dating guide helpful. If you’re not interested in reading all of that I would recommend my article on the importance of comfort.
Finally, if or when you list that you are shy don’t let it rule your profile. Be sure to include something like “I’m a shy man but I enjoy spending time doing x and y and z with those I care for.” Being shy is like any other trait: it may be a part of who you are but it doesn’t define
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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