Why Desperation Is So Unattractive
Published on March 16, 2008
I’ve recently been discussing the difficulties of dating with a friend of mine. In her case, the struggle has been that while she wants to date someone looking for a serious relationship, many of the guys she meets make it clear they are not ready for that. At the same time, she hasn’t been interested in any of the guys that have expressed an interest in exactly the kind of relationship she is looking for. It might sound like she’s being too picky but as we talked it became obvious that wasn’t the case.
The men she was meeting that wanted to settle down were making that more than clear; they were desperate. But why would the desperation to have a serious relationship be such a bad thing? The major problem with it is this: people want to be with someone who will love who they are, not what they represent. The desperate men she has met haven’t been saying that they would love to spend time with her. They’ve been saying they would love to spend time with anyone that they can label as their girlfriend/lover/fiance/wife. These men have worked themselves up into such a frenzy to find a woman to label this way that they will take anyone. No one wants to be another person’s “special anyone”! It is a simple truth that people want to be loved just as much as they want to love.
My Experience
When I have been on dates with desperate women, I found myself frustrated. They would laugh at everything I said, even when I wasn’t trying to be funny. I loved when I could make a date laugh but it meant nothing when she would laugh at every mundane comment. I wanted to find a woman who would enjoy my sense of humor, not someone who could prove she was capable of laughing for an hour straight. For me, one sincere laugh was far better than a thousand insincere ones.
Also, I remember when I was dating in high school my dad made the comment: “One of the most attractive qualities I’ve ever found in a woman is that she is attracted to me”. While he was half-joking, there’s truth in that statement.
Are You a Desperate Dater?
If you are desperate and you are projecting that desperation, you’re going to find difficulty when dating. Attractive, intelligent, and kind people who normally would have no issue finding success in dating can ruin most of their dates when desperation is present. I say most because if they happen to meet another desperate person, things could work out (but normally only in the short-term). Here is a good question to ask yourself: are you looking for someone or are you looking for anyone? Are there qualities that you want your date to have or do you simply want to not be alone? It is reasonable to have strong emotions desiring to have a healthy relationship but you must avoid reaching a point where you want anyone at all. People will pick up on it and you may find failure where otherwise you could have found success.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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