Does Quantity Really Lead to Success?
Published on January 21, 2008
In a recent post, as well as in my guide, I argue that it is a good thing to date as many people as possible. A very interesting article at 40s Singleness takes exception with this advice. The author, one Lisa Q, challenges this idea with some questions that point out that simply dating for quantity can be, at best, just a waste of time or, at worst, simply dishonest. If you have a few minutes I’d recommend you read the whole thing.
I suspect many readers can relate to Lisa’s thoughts that the advice “date in numbers!” can feel more annoying than helpful. In my opinion, it is very reasonable to ask the question: “Why schedule a date when I know I’m not interested?” Is there a reasonable answer to go along with that question? I think so.
If you see dating as nothing more than a means to an end, then dating in quantity doesn’t make much sense. When I first started dating online this is exactly how I saw things. Why contact a woman who doesn’t have quality X when that quality is important to me? Dating only existed to find a long-term relationship. I wanted a relationship with a very specific type of woman and all other women would only slow me down in reaching that goal. This approach worked very (very) poorly for me. I had next to no dates and when I rarely did the main emotion I felt was stress, created by the feeling that if I messed this one up I may be alone forever.
Eventually, I made the conscious decision to not simply see dating as a means to an end. Instead, I also decided that dating could be something fun (or at least interesting). I decided to try to enjoy myself and to give up any pickiness. To me, it was time to learn about my dates regardless of their “qualifications” and, perhaps in the process, learn a little more about myself. This decision made all the difference.
I feel like I’ve talked this topic to death in other posts so I’ll just briefly list how this change affected my dating life:
- No big surprise: I had a ton more dates.
- I really did start to have fun. Brace yourself: even on the dates where I had absolutely no physical attraction to my date!
- I became much more comfortable meeting women in general. Asking a woman out at a party may not sound like a miracle to most people but for someone as shy as me it was a miracle that started happening frequently.
- I realized that some of the must-have’s I was so adamant about before weren’t really very important to me once I got to know someone. I also discovered that some things I had never considered were more important to me than I had ever imagined.
Regardless of my experiences or my advice, if dating in quantity sounds like a bad idea for your situation then, chances are, it is. Still, if you can learn to see dating as something that can be fun, not just something that must be done, it is possible to find the entire experience much more pleasurable…or at least bearable.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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