Online Dating Advice for the Shy
Published on January 8, 2008
One of the local newspapers here in Pittsburgh has an advice column which I discovered today. I’m not a fan of these columns because, in most cases, the columnists answer questions as if everything is overly simple. They also come off as overly-confident to me; as if no detail they are unaware of could possibly affect what good advice might consist of. I suppose, though, if you offer advice for a living then it is actually your job to simplify problems confidently and that’s fine. It’s just not for me so I don’t read them very often.
Today’s article caught my eye, though, so I decided to read it: an admittedly shy and recently divorced man is trying online dating but isn’t finding any success. He asks how people who have not been dating for an extended time can get back into the swing of things. Unfortunately, the answer contained the standard “don’t be shy” which is a polite way of saying “don’t be yourself”. The columnist actually stated it as “ditch the shyness for bravery”. Riiiight.
This is what I don’t understand: if someone who had a stuttering problem wrote in would the answer be “don’t stutter” or “ditch the stuttering for clear speaking”. I sure hope not! Advice like this would be considered rude but when applied to something abstract like shyness, well, that’s different. In that case we feel we can look at someone and simply tell them to stop it. To me, the very suggestion that shy people want to be shy or that they can simply turn it off is ridiculous.
I agree with the columnist that it is best to approach people in the real world as well as in online dating but would say forget this idea that a person can suddenly become outgoing from willpower alone. Approaching someone when you are extremely nervous (even if you pretend you’re not) is likely going to end badly. So how can you approach someone if you are a shy person? The answer is not becoming outgoing or “brave”. The answer is becoming comfortable.
Having said all that, after looking at the columnist’s web site I found that I like much of her advice. In particular, many of the articles here are well worth a read – even the ones not related to dating! I just can’t bring myself agree with her “stop being shy” advice. I was shy when I started online dating and I’m still shy today but somehow, even without faking confidence or bravery, I found the love of my life. I am glad that I did not have to sacrifice who I am in my search for someone else. I don’t think anyone should have to.
A few other thoughts for any shy people out there who are frustrated with online dating:
- Don’t be overly obsessed with finding that “perfect match” early on. If you are shy, one of the most important things you can do is go on as many dates as possible. This process will help create the comfort I mention above. At one point I was averaging two first dates a week from online dating sites alone. During this time I approached women at bars and parties and I have NEVER done that at any other point in my life. I was comfortable because I had nothing to lose! My dating schedule was so crazy that I often felt relieved when getting turned down (and I only continued trying because, for the first time in my life, I was actually enjoying it).
- A lack of responses does not mean no one finds you interesting/attractive. There are many reasons why some communication is never returned.
- Some things are simply out of your control. For example, I lived in Pittsburgh when I was single which happens to be one of the worst cities for singles in the United States.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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