When Dates Go Bad: The Self-Righteous Dater
Published on December 29, 2007
Have you ever been on a first date where from the very beginning your date was rude or angry? I’ve experienced this type of date once when using internet dating sites and have heard several horror stories from friends who have also run into this. From what I have seen, it seems to happen most on blind dates or online dates. So what is exactly going on when someone counts you out before you’ve even said “hello”?
What Creates this Situation?
Part of what is going on is that you are not what your date expected. While this is a driving force for your date’s reaction, it is only a small part of what actually creates this situation. I can’t remember a single first date (and there were dozens) where the person I expected to meet and the person I met were exactly the same. Everyone experiences this: whether it is a lack of a “spark” when you expected there would be one or something as simple as “he looked a bit taller in his picture”, everyone experiences some surprise on first dates. In most cases, though, people are reasonable to move past their pre-conceived notions and give the date a chance. So then, if this situation is happening on most online dating first dates, why do a few of them go so bad so quickly? If you ever find yourself asking this question as you stare across at someone who absolutely refuses to participate in the dinner conversation, here’s the answer:
Your date has an enormously high opinion of themself.
Take a moment and look at how this self-righteous person treats their dates. If you sum up all their little actions into a single statement it would be: “You are wasting my time.” There is no room in their mind to consider that the person across from them is looking for a relationship just like they are. There is no room in their mind to consider that the date could actually go well if they gave it a chance. Their only concern is their precious time and how you are wasting it. However, because they consider themselves far too mature to simply stomp out of the room, they proceed to pout in from of you for the next half-hour like some over-grown four-year-old.
How to Spot the Self-Righteous Dater
- Things were difficult from the very beginning
- It feels as if your date is working against you
- No matter question, they resist answering with anything more than a single word
- It becomes clear that only one of you is trying to make conversation
- They may act as if you are not there by talking on the phone or frequently (and blatantly) checking their watch
How to Respond to this Situation
Get out a quickly as possible. Do NOT try to win them over as it is a waste of time and an insult to yourself. Just because the narcissist across from you doesn’t have any respect for you does not mean that you should follow suite. However, try to avoid using their attitude as a free pass to be rude. Instead, excuse yourself as soon and as kindly as possible. Or just go to the restroom and crawl out the window.
While the self-righteous dater believe you are wasting their time, the opposite is true. As I mention in my Online Dating Guide, most people are worth a second date even if the first didn’t go very well. This situation is the exception – they’re not even worth the first date. Get out and get out fast.
How to Respond to this Situation, an Alternative
You could just have fun with them. Ask the strangest questions you can think of. Repeatedly excuse yourself to go to the restroom. Ask the waitress for three glasses of water and then refuse to explain. Since your date has decided the evening is going to be bad no matter what you do, why not create a fun story out of it? Your friends will love you for it! Again, this isn’t an excuse to be rude. See it more as an opportunity to be your own personal Borat.
The Exception
Just as with The Withdrawn Dater, if you lied about yourself or make your date uncomfortable, you may be the problem not them. For example, if you used a 10-year-old photo of yourself on your dating profile, it might just be that your date doesn’t want to date a liar.
The Good News
The good news is people who act like this are exposing themselves as someone unworthy of your pursuit. With a liar or a cheater, it could take months or years to realize you are wasting your time. So be thankful that these types of people expose themselves as a waste of time at the earliest possible moment.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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