Phone Calls After the First Date
Published on October 17, 2007
Today, I’ve had some traffic coming in from Google regarding phone calls. In each case, the person was interested in some aspect of phone conversations after the first date. Since the site is light on any phone conversation thought, I decided offer some advice for these searches based on my experiences.
Search: “Rules of dating phone call after first date” from East Hanover, NJ
First, there aren’t any hard and fast rules about anything in dating. I’ve had conversations that worked wonderfully on a first date with one woman only to kill the evening with another using the same conversation. Assuming there is one “right” approach is a good way to find out there isn’t one. With that said, there are a few approaches that I took when dating.
I would suggest considering how the first date went. Do you think it went great? Do you think your date thought it went great? If you can confidently answer “Yes” to both of those questions, I don’t think you should hesitate calling. However, if you are not sure of the answer to either of these questions, I would recommend keeping any phone calls limited to scheduling another date and nothing more. Unless you are both on the same page, a poorly placed phone call could spell the end. For example, as hard as is it to gauge another person on an actual date, it is even harder over the phone. If your date is uncomfortable that you are calling so soon or often, your ability to pick up on this may not be great. Even one uncomfortable phone call could cause your date to decide to look for someone else if he or she was on the fence about seeing you again. On the other hand, the fact that you’re not dying to spend a few hours on the phone isn’t likely to hurt you in any way. If your date really liked you, an absence of phone conversations should only increase their desire to see you again.
I was up-front with Kate when we first started dating and let her know that I wasn’t very interested in talking on the phone. Since she was interested in me, this was a non-issue. As a matter of fact, it meant we spent more time together.
Search: “After one date excessive phone calls” from somewhere in New York
This search shows why I believe the two questions from Search 1 are important. Here an individual is getting excessive phone calls. In all likelihood, the caller is oblivious to the uncomfortable position he or she is putting the searcher in.
My advice on this one is to try to be honest and, if necessary, blunt. Not meaning you should be cruel, just straight-forward. Being subtle hoping the person on the other end of the phone will pick up on the fact that you are not interested does not work as often as one might think. Once on a first date, I tried to convey gently to my date that I did not think she was the one for me. She didn’t pick up on the clues because by the time I got home that evening I had two emails waiting for me. Both sang my praises and spoke of how my date looked forward to seeing me again. They made me feel horrible. I emailed her and let her know that I had a nice time but did not see our relationship moving beyond friendship. I never heard from her again and while I’m sure I made her angry or sad or both, it was the best thing to do. It still makes me feel bad thinking of that situation but I’m sure I would feel worse had I allowed her to continue thinking there was a chance.
I doubt that the person who found my site with the “excessive phone calls” search met their date through an online dating service. However, for those of you who are using an online service, I would recommend that you avoid giving out your phone number until you have met the person and feel you would actually want to talk to them on the phone. There is some debate on this approach. Some have suggested that hearing the person on the other end of a phone before a first date is a good way to verify they are a real individual or who they say they are. Personally, I do not see how knowing that your date has a voice is worth the trade-off of giving your phone number out. To me this would be like giving your home address to someone just so you can know they really have a car. If you want to avoid situations like excessive phone calls, try to keep your personal information personal in the beginning. This is another benefit of online dating: if you were to meet someone at a bar you have little other option but to give out your phone number…or are people giving out email addresses now? If you are using the phone for safety issues by all means continue to do so. However, if you are just interested in having a conversation before you meet, I personally recommend against it. Still, as I’ve said many times, use your own judgment.
Update September 2009: Some new services have been released that remove much of the problems I discuss here in regards to using the phone when online dating. I would actually recommend using the phone if you could take advantage of one of these services or another like them.
Author: Brad
Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.
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